Chinese Whispers.

Chinese Whispers?
Okay, I hear you take a breath of incredulity.
What is she talking about now?
Please stay with me as those of you who have been following my posts, know that I do get to the point eventually.


This blog is about communication or lack thereof in relationships and society in general.
When I conduct an in service about communication, I always start with a game of Chinese Whispers.
For those not familiar with this game that we played as kids at parties please see the information provided in the link below.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_whispers


The point of doing this exercise as an educational tool is not only that it breaks the ice and is fun, but it is an introduction about how communication can go terribly awry and very easily.


Communication relates not to just verbal communication but also non verbal, written and visual communication.


What is communication?
Communication (from Latin commūnicāre, meaning "to share")
is the act of conveying intended meanings from one entity or group to another through the use of mutually understood signs and semiotic rules.
The basic steps of communication are:

1. the forming of communicative intent
2. message composition
3. message encoding
4. transmission of the encoded message as a sequence of signals using a specific channel or medium
5. reception of signals
6. reconstruction of the original message
7. interpretation and making sense of the reconstructed message.

Effective communication is one of the most important skills we need in life.
Over and over we see conflict arise from communication breakdowns, whether it’s between couples, co-workers, families and even countries.
Although some communication breakdowns are intentional, most of what we say is unconscious and from poor habits we have learned from others.
Communication dynamics seem to come down to relinquishing blame, stopping assumptions and learning new tools for healthy relating: active listening, negotiating with an eye for win-win compromise, compassion for others triggers or weaknesses (as well as for your own), and good old fashioned truth telling.


How can we communicate effectively?
Communicating effectively also involves not just speaking but listening as well also.
The following are what we refer to as active listening tools and following them will help you communicate much more effectively.
Concentrate on what the speaker has to say.


Listen for content and emotion to understand the entire message.
Maintain steady eye contact so speakers know your attention is with them.
Reflect back with verbal feedback to confirm your understanding of the message.
Stay patient when people talk to you.
Keep your tone sincere and nonjudgmental when you listen.
When you give feedback to check understanding, do so in one sentence.
Tune into how the message is being said, not just what the words are.
Acknowledge feelings that are important to the message you’re hearing.
Make your goal in conversations to show understanding of what the speaker truly means.


Another area where a lot of people need help is in regard to how they communicate and the effectiveness of it.
There are 3 types of communication under this heading and they are passive communication, aggressive communication and assertive communication.

Assertive communication means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting ‘wrong’.

Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves.

 

Passive or non-assertive communication tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others and can undermine individual rights and self-confidence. 

Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to be liked by others. 
Such people do not regard themselves as equals because they place greater weight on the rights, wishes and feelings of others. 
Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and results in people doing things they really do not want to do in the hope that they might please others.
This also means that they allow others to take responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them.


Aggressive communication fails to consider the views or feelings of other individuals. Those behaving aggressively will rarely show praise or appreciation of others and an aggressive response tends to put others down.
Aggressive responses encourage the other person to respond in a non-assertive way, either aggressively or passively.


Five ways to communicate assertively.
1. Allow yourself to feel anger.
The biggest obstacle to assertive communication is the belief that anger is bad and expressing it in an assertive way is “unseemly,”
However, anger is a normal and natural emotion.


2. Make clear, assertive requests.
An assertive request is straightforward and doesn’t deprecate the other person,


3. Validate the other person’s feelings.
This means understanding their feelings and where they’re coming from, this doesn’t mean that you agree with them though but that you accept them.


4. Be a good listener.
Being a good listener includes maintaining a respectful and open nonverbal attitude and posture while listening to them
You also maintain eye contact, and manage your own emotions and thoughts, so you can set aside any personal agenda, reactions, defenses, explanations or rescue attempts.


5. Be collaborative.
Being assertive also means working together. It means being constructive and collaborative and looking for ways to achieve a situation where both people are happy.
This often referred to as a win-win outcome.


An example of putting this all into practice.
A very common problem most of us have at some stage in our lives is having to sort out a situation that may be causing distress or conflict.
Addressing these difficult issues can be scary and challenging, however if we do not address them at the time, they may escalate and irreversible situations occur.
To do this we need to put on our 'assertive hat".
I always recommend that you do what is called scripting and write down beforehand what you are going to say.


There are 4 techniques to follow.
The event: tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or problem.
Your feelings: describe how you feel about express your emotions clearly.
Your needs: tell the other person what you need so they don't have to guess.
The consequences: describe the positive outcome if your needs are fulfilled.


I won't mislead you and say that any of the above information is easy to do, but the more you practice communicating effectively and assertively, the easier you will find it.


So next time my readers play Chinese Whispers, the original message will make it back to me without any changes ....








References:
http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness.html#ixzz4HOtv4icP


http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/06/04/5-tips-for-communicating-assertively-without-being-passive-aggressive/

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm

Wikipedia






Any feedback, suggestions, or comments about your own experiences welcomed.

Please visit my website for more information.

http://www.valkeenalifecoachaustralia.com/
 

Sleep, oh beautiful sleep

If you were to ask me what are my favorite things in the world, my answer would be family/friends, animals, chocolate, cricket, music and SLEEP.


For those of you who fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow, you are so lucky.
If this does not apply to you, I am sure it will apply to many people you know, so please feel free to share this with them.


The inability to fall asleep and stay asleep is known as insomnia.
The definition of which is according to guidelines from a physician group: 
Insomnia is difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, even when a person has the chance to do so. People with insomnia can feel dissatisfied with their sleep and usually experience one or more of the following symptoms: fatigue, low energy, difficulty concentrating, mood disturbances, and decreased performance in work or at school.
Insomnia can be acute or chronic.




What are the effects of insomnia?
Suffering from insomnia can lead to day time sleepiness and lethargy and a general feeling of being unwell, both physically and mentally.
Although insomnia can affect people at any age, it is more common in adult females than adult males. The sleeping disorder can undermine school and work performance, as well as being a cause of obesity, anxiety, depression, irritability, concentration problems, memory problems, poor immune system function, and reduced reaction time. Insomnia has also been associated with a higher risk of developing chronic diseases.


What can cause insomnia?
There are many possible cause.
- Disruptions in circadian rhythm: jet lag, job shift changes, high altitudes, noisiness, overheated room or a cold room
- Psychological issues
- Medical conditions
- Medications
- Having media technology in the bedroom, for example: televisions, computers
- other factors like the environment, people snoring, noise, an uncomfortable bed or pillow to name just a few


How can insomnia be treated?
Unfortunately many physicians go straight to medications that are sometimes potentially addictive but there are many other options that you can try first.
Melatonin is one you can discuss with your physician.
Over the counter sleep aids, antihistamines, valerian.
Please check with your physician or pharmacist before taking any of these.
There are many other practices that can help with insomnia and these are often called sleep hygiene.


What can I try that does not involve taking medication?
- try to get into a routine of going to bed and rising at the same time
- remove illuminated clocks from your room
- remove any items like computers from your room
- do not watch TV in your rom, it is for sleeping in
- have a shower before bed in summer, when your body starts to cool down you are more likely to fall sleep
- try and keep your room at a temperature that is comfortable for you
- cut down fluids and caffeine prior to going to bed
- enjoy a cup of warm milk, when milk is heated a substance called tryptophan becomes active and can induce sleep
- If you do not fall asleep within half an hour, don't lie there tossing and turning, get up and do an activity until you feel tired then go back to bed
- Try putting a few drop sof lavender oil on a cotton wool ball and place inside your pillow slip
- Try meditation, there are many good videos available for free on YouTube.
- Listening to soothing medication can help some people
- Make sure you have done some physical exercise but no later than 2 hours before your bed time
- Some people find that "white noise" can help, eg the sound of a fan


If the above do not help and you continue to suffer from insomnia then please see your physician.


I would love to hear how many of you suffer from insomnia, what you have tried, what has or has not worked.
If you decide to try some of the above suggestions, please give us feedback regarding how you found them.