TRAUMA IS NOT A ONE OFF EVENT OR OCCURENCE

Hi everyone, apologies for not blogging this year but I hope you are all well.


This is not a blog per se but information I have collated to give my community that has had a tragic occurrence, the deaths of three local skydivers on Friday, here at Mission Beach in North Queensland, Australia.
Please note, this is relevant to this incident and for people in Australia, hence the help numbers and organizations at the bottom will differ in other countries.




As you can imagine this has affected the whole community.
With any trauma, it does not just affect the people directly involved but family, friends, relationships, mental wellbeing and some people may cope at the time but develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder weeks, months and even years later.








TRAUMA INFORMATION 15/10/2017
Any event that involves experiencing or witnessing actual or threatened death, serious injury, or violence has the potential to be traumatic. Almost everyone who experiences trauma will be emotionally affected, and there are many different ways in which people will respond. Most people will recover quite quickly with the help of family and friends. For some, the effects can be long-lasting.

Traumatic events include things that happen to you directly, or to someone you are close to.

An event can be traumatic if you witnessed it happening to someone else, or if you were involved in it.

If you were the first on the scene of a serious accident, or disaster.

If you learnt that a friend or family member was involved in a life threatening event, was seriously injured, or died suddenly and unexpectedly.

Traumatic events are emotionally distressing. While most people will recover on their own, for some the experience can lead to mental health issues such as posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety or substance use. Trauma can also affect your own relationships.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT MANY PEOPLE DO NOT EXPERIENCE SYMPTOMS STRAIGHT AWAY, IT CAN BE WEEKS, MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS LATER.


PLEASE KEEP THIS SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CAN ACCESS IT, IN CASE YOU OR A FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND MAY BENEFIT FROM THIS INFORMATION AT A LATER DATE, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT THINK YOU HAVE BEEN AFFECTED.


When something traumatic happens, it is often overwhelming, and it can be hard to come to terms with what has happened. The experience is likely to be very different from anything you have gone through before. It can mean you question things that you have always thought were true.


For example, you might no longer believe that the world is a safe place, that people are generally good, or that you are in control of what happens to you. When people talk about their world being turned upside down after a traumatic event, it might mean these big picture beliefs have been shattered.


COMMON EFFECTS TRAUMA CAN HAVE ON PEOPLE

1. Repeated, disturbing memories, thoughts, or images


of a stressful experience from the past?


2. Repeated, disturbing dreams of a stressful


experience from the past?


3. Suddenly acting or feeling as if a stressful experience


were happening again (as if you were reliving it)?


4. Feeling very upset when something reminded you of


a stressful experience from the past?


5. Having physical reactions (e.g., heart pounding,


trouble breathing, or sweating) when something


reminded you of a stressful experience from the


past?


6. Avoid thinking about or talking about a stressful


experience from the past or avoid having feelings


related to it?


7. Avoid activities or situations because they remind


you of a stressful experience from the past?


8. Trouble remembering important parts of a stressful


experience from the past?


9. Loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy?


10. Feeling distant or cut off from other people?


11. Feeling emotionally numb or being unable to have


loving feelings for those close to you?


12. Feeling as if your future will somehow be cut short?


13. Trouble falling or staying asleep?


14. Feeling irritable or having angry outbursts?


15. Having difficulty concentrating?


16. Being "super alert" or watchful on guard?


17. Feeling jumpy or easily startled?
　


Children can react differently than adults.
Children and teens can have extreme reactions to trauma, but their symptoms may not be the same as adults. In very young children (less than 6 years of age), these symptoms can include:

Wetting the bed after having learned to use the toilet
Forgetting how to or being unable to talk
Acting out the scary event during playtime
Being unusually clingy with a parent or other adult
Fear of being separated from parent
Losing previously-acquired skills (such as toilet training)
Sleep problems and nightmares
Somber, compulsive play in which themes or aspects of the trauma are repeated
New phobias and anxieties that seem unrelated to the trauma (such as a fear of monsters)
Acting out the trauma through play, stories, or drawings
Aches and pains with no apparent cause
Irritability and aggression 　

Older children and teens are more likely to show symptoms similar to those seen in adults. They may also develop disruptive, disrespectful, or destructive behaviors. Older children and teens may feel guilty for not preventing injury or deaths. They may also have thoughts of revenge.




Risk Factors and Resilience Factors for PTSD
Some factors that increase risk for PTSD include:
Living through dangerous events and traumas
Getting hurt
Seeing another person hurt, or seeing a dead body
Childhood trauma
Feeling horror, helplessness, or extreme fear
Having little or no social support after the event
Dealing with extra stress after the event, such as loss of a loved one, pain and injury, or loss of a job or home
Having a history of mental illness or substance abuse
Some resilience factors that may reduce the risk of PTSD include:
Seeking out support from other people, such as friends and family
Finding a support group after a traumatic event
Learning to feel good about one’s own actions in the face of danger
Having a positive coping strategy, or a way of getting through the bad event and learning from it
Being able to act and respond effectively despite feeling fear Impact of PTSD on relationships and day-to-day life
PTSD can affect a person’s ability to work, perform day-to-day activities or relate to their family and friends. A person with PTSD can often seem disinterested or distant as they try not to think or feel in order to block out painful memories. They may stop them from participating in family life or ignore offers of help. This can lead to loved ones feeling shut out.


It is important to remember that these behaviors are part of the problem. People with PTSD need the support of family and friends, but may not think that they need help.


When to seek help for PTSD



A person who has experienced a traumatic event should seek professional help if they:

don’t feel any better after two weeks

feel highly anxious or distressed

have reactions to the traumatic event that are interfering with home, work and/or relationships

are thinking of harming themselves or someone else.

Some of the signs that a problem may be developing are:

being constantly on edge or irritable

having difficulty performing tasks at home or at work

being unable to respond emotionally to others

being unusually busy to avoid issues

using alcohol, drugs or gambling to cope

having severe sleeping difficulties.


How can you help a loved one with post-traumatic stress disorder?

You can take steps to help a loved one cope with stress brought on by a traumatic event.

A person with acute stress disorder (ASD) has severe stress symptoms during the first month after the traumatic event. Often, this involves feeling afraid, flashbacks or nightmares, difficulty sleeping, or other symptoms. If your loved one has symptoms that last longer than a month and make it hard to go about daily routines, go to work or school, or handle important tasks, he or she could have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).


Whether your loved one has ASD or PTSD, assessment and counseling (psychotherapy) by a professional can make a critical difference in recovery. Encourage him or her to talk to a doctor or trained mental health provider.


You can also help by being a supportive listener, without attempting to "fix" the situation. Here are some suggestions:


Be willing to listen, but don't push. Make sure your loved one knows that you want to hear about his or her feelings. But if the person isn't ready or willing to talk about it, don't push. Just reassure your loved one that you'll be there if and when he or she is ready.


Choose a time to talk. When you're both ready to talk, choose a time and place where you'll be free of distractions and interruptions. Then truly listen. Ask questions if you don't understand something. But avoid any urges to second-guess, to give advice or to say, "I know just how you feel." Let your loved one take the lead

Try to prepare for PTSD triggers. Common triggers include anniversary dates; people or places associated with the trauma; and certain sights, sounds, or smells. If you are aware of the triggers that may cause an upsetting reaction, you’ll be in a better position to help your loved one calm down.


Don’t take the symptoms of PTSD personally. If your loved one seems distant, irritable, angry, or closed off, remember that this may not have anything to do with you or your relationship


Educate yourself about PTSD
Recognize when to take a break. If you sense that the conversation is becoming too intense for your loved one, provide him or her with an opportunity to stop for now and take up the conversation again on another day. Then follow through.


Get help if talk of suicide occurs. If your loved one talks or behaves in a way that makes you believe he or she might attempt suicide, respond calmly, but act immediately. Make sure the person is not left alone. If it's safe to do so, you may want to discreetly remove pills, firearms or any other objects that could be used for self-harm, and get help from a trained professional as soon as possible. You can also encourage the person to call Suicide to talk with a trained counselor. If there's immediate danger of suicide, call 000 or your local emergency number right away.


Coping with traumatic stress is an ongoing process, and there is no specific time frame for recovery. You might have many conversations with your loved one over weeks or months as he or she processes the traumatic experience during or after a period of professional care.


You'll be of more help to your loved one if you learn about Acute Stress Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from trusted medical sources and encourage your loved one to follow treatment recommendations.


And don't forget to take care of yourself. Coping with trauma that happened to a loved one can be difficult to deal with, and it can make it harder for you to help your loved one if you don't take care of yourself. Take time for the things you enjoy, accept help from others when needed, and make an appointment to see a mental health professional if you're struggling to cope.


Where to get help

Your doctor
Minister/Pastor
Mental health specialist, such as a psychiatrist, psychologist or social worker.
Visit an emergency center at your closest hospital
Community health center









Lifeline Australia – 13 11 14










Suicide Call Back Service
1300 659 467










Kids Helpline
1800 55 1800










MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78










Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467










Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636










Veterans and Veterans' Families Counselling Service – 1800 011 046


　


　

Mindful eating.

This blog is a follow up to my previous one regarding emotional eating.

I suggest that you read it first so you understand the concepts discussed here, as I will only mention them briefly.
Emotional eating is when people use food as a way to deal with feelings instead of to satisfy hunger.
In the previous blog we also looked at the difference between physical hunger and emotional Hunger.


Mindful eating
(also known as intuitive eating)


Is a concept with its roots in Buddhist teachings, it aims to reconnect us more deeply with the experience of eating and enjoying our food.
Sometimes referred to as “the opposite of diets,” mindful eating is based on the idea that there is no right or wrong way to eat, but rather varying degrees of consciousness about what we are eating and why.
The goal of mindful eating, is to base our meals on physical cues, such as our bodies’ hunger signals, not emotional ones like eating for comfort.


Mindful eating is not a diet, or about giving up anything at all. It’s about experiencing food more intensely and for the pleasure of it.
You can eat a cream bun, if you wish...  you might find that you enjoy it a lot more.
Or you might decide, halfway through, that your body has had enough.
Or that it really needs some salad, fruit or vegetables. 

When people tend to be prone to emotional eating, the food they choose is known as their "Comfort" Foods.

We all have our own comfort foods. Interestingly, they may vary according to moods and gender. One study found that happy people seem to want to eat things like pizza, while sad people prefer ice cream and cookies. Bored people crave salty, crunchy things, like chips. Researchers also found that guys seem to prefer hot, homemade comfort meals, like steaks and casseroles. Girls go for chocolate and ice cream.


This brings up a curious question: Does no one take comfort in carrots and celery sticks? Researchers are looking into that, too. What they're finding is that high-fat foods, like ice cream, may activate certain chemicals in the body that create a sense of contentment and fulfillment. This almost addictive quality may actually make you reach for these foods again when feeling upset.
http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/emotional-eating.html#


Breaking the Cycle


This is a skill, that you don’t just acquire overnight.
It takes practice, and there will be times when you forget to eat mindfully, and there will be starts and stops.
But with practice and attention, you can become very good at this.
To achieve this you will need to learn to pay attention to:

• Why you feel like eating, and what emotions or needs might be triggering the eating.
• What you’re eating, and whether it is healthy or not.
• The look, smell, taste, feel of the food you’re eating.
• How it makes you feel as you taste it, as you digest it, and throughout the day.
• How full (or sated) you are before, during and after eating.
• Your emotions during and after eating.
• Where the food came from, who might have grown it, how much it might have suffered before it was killed, whether it was grown organically, how much it was processed, how much it was fried or overcooked, etc.

How to learn to eat mindfully.


1. Eat slower
2. Savor the silence
3. Silence the phone. Shut off the TV.
4. Pay attention to flavor
It can be hard to notice what you are even eating, let alone truly savor all the different sensations of eating it. If you are trying to introduce mindful eating to your family, consider talking more about the flavors and textures of food.
5. Know your foodEven when you have no idea where the food you are eating has come from, try asking yourself some questions about the possibilities: Who grew this? How? Where did it come from? How did it get here? Chances are, you’ll not only gain a deeper appreciation for your food, but you’ll find your shopping habits changing in the process too.
6. Set your boundaries. Make a list of which foods are a “yes”, which are “maybe, sometimes”, and which are a “no”.


​Visualize success.


How often to we watch ourselves fail in our own minds? Or replay our mistakes? What if you were to visualize yourself succeeding?
​Reframe your thoughts. Replace the thought of “I can’t have that” with “I choose to have something else”. Instead of focusing on limitation or lack, focus your attention on abundance and gratitude for what you do have. And remember, you can learn to like new things.
​Challenge your thoughts. Do you interpret the thought of “I just ate something bad” as “I am a bad person” or “I’ll never be able to do this”? Respond to these thoughts in the manner you would for a friend. Use a kind, compassionate voice with yourself. These thoughts could be challenged with this: “I made a decision that was not in my best interest. That does not mean I’m a failure or that I can’t make healthy decisions. I just feel that way right now because I just made an unhealthy choice, but every moment is another opportunity to make a different choice. So now, I’m going to be present and make a good choice in this moment.”
​When you succeed, celebrate! When you make a good decision pay attention to how good you feel and relish that feeling. Keep a journal of your successes to motivate you.
http://nutritionstudies.org/overcoming-emotional-eating/


I hope that you found this interesting and helpful.
Even if you do not just eat for comfort by considering the above may make you appreciate it even more.
All comments and feedback welcome.




REFERENCES


http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/08/dining/mindful-eating-as-food-for-thought.html?pagewanted=all
https://zenhabits.net/what-is-mindful-eating/

 

 

 

If you are one of those people that tell a binge eater to just "stop" then you need to read this please.

"Binge eating" also known as "comfort eating" does NOT mean someone is a "pig", guts" or other derogatory names used... they have an underlying issue or illness in the majority of cases.
They are not in control of their relationship with food and until this is addressed can not just "stop".


In this blog I would like to explain why, address any unhelpful beliefs and attitudes towards emotional eaters and hopefully help some vulnerable people in the process.


The majority of people that eat emotionally are overweight, which also as well as increasing risk of health issues, decreases their self esteem and self confidence.
In many cases this compounds the problem and leads to further over eating. A vicious cycle.


Emotional Eating can become more of a problem in stressful periods of our lives so please, if you know someone that is doing this, then be supportive, do not judge them, offer your help, share this blog and if still concerned, encourage them to seek professional counseling.






What is Emotional Eating?


Physical hunger is a gradual sensation that we feel in our stomach, and any food seems appealing.

We usually feel good after eating.

Emotional hunger comes on suddenly and people will crave specific foods.

With emotional hunger they can have snack after snack and nothing hits the spot.

They often feel guilty after emotional eating.

Why do people do it?

It’s because they are not hungry for food. 

They are hungry for something else.

It might be stress relief. It might be a distraction. It might be a quick escape. It might be a treat. It might be a feeling of control (in a counterintuitive way).

Keep in mind: It’s never about the food that they are craving.

It’s about what the food allows us to avoid.

How do I know if I am eating for physical hunger or for emotional hunger?

The best way to determine this is known widely as "the broccoli test."

Simply ask yourself this question:

Would I eat broccoli right now? If you answer “yes” then you are physically hungry. Go ahead and eat.

If you answer “no” then you’re emotionally hungry. You are not actually hungry for food. You are hungry for something else (stress relief, a distraction, a quick escape, etc.).

The idea is that when we’re physically hungry any food is appealing. If the thought of vegetables doesn’t sound appealing we’re not physically hungry.

Triggers for emotional eating:

Identify your emotional eating triggers

What situations, places, or feelings make you reach for the comfort of food? Most emotional eating is linked to unpleasant feelings, but it can also be triggered by positive emotions, such as rewarding yourself for achieving a goal or celebrating a holiday or happy event. Here are some common causes of emotional eating:

Stress – Ever notice how stress makes you hungry? It’s not just in your mind. When stress is chronic, as it so often is in our chaotic, fast-paced world, it leads to high levels of the stress hormone, cortisol. Cortisol triggers cravings for salty, sweet, and high-fat foods—foods that give you a burst of energy and pleasure. The more uncontrolled stress in your life, the more likely you are to turn to food for emotional relief.
Stuffing emotions – Eating can be a way to temporarily silence or “stuff down” uncomfortable emotions, including anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, loneliness, resentment, and shame. While you’re numbing yourself with food, you can avoid the emotions you’d rather not feel.
Boredom or feelings of emptiness – Do you ever eat simply to give yourself something to do, to relieve boredom, or as a way to fill a void in your life? You feel unfulfilled and empty, and food is a way to occupy your mouth and your time. In the moment, it fills you up and distracts you from underlying feelings of purposelessness and dissatisfaction with your life.
Childhood habits – Think back to your childhood memories of food. Did your parents reward good behavior with ice cream, take you out for pizza when you got a good report card, or serve you sweets when you were feeling sad? These emotionally based childhood eating habits often carry over into adulthood. Or perhaps some of your eating is driven by nostalgia—for cherishes memories of grilling burgers in the backyard with your dad, baking and eating cookies with your mom, or gathering around the table with your extended family for a home-cooked pasta dinner.
Social influences – Getting together with other people for a meal is a great way to relieve stress, but it can also lead to overeating. It’s easy to overindulge simply because the food is there or because everyone else is eating. You may also overeat in social situations out of nervousness. Or perhaps your family or circle of friends encourages you to overeat, and it’s easier to go along with the group.

How to deal with emotional eating?

If you don’t know how to manage your emotions in a way that doesn’t involve food, you won’t be able to control your eating habits for very long. Diets so often fail because they offer logical nutritional advice, as if the only thing keeping you from eating right is knowledge. But that kind of advice only works if you have conscious control over your eating habits. It doesn’t work when emotions hijack the process, demanding an immediate payoff with food.
In order to stop emotional eating, you have to find other ways to fulfill yourself emotionally. It’s not enough to understand the cycle of emotional eating or even to understand your triggers, although that’s a huge first step. You need alternatives to food that you can turn to for emotional fulfillment.


What are some of your personal triggers and when do they occur?
1.
2.
3.


What can I try to do to replace addressing them without resorting to Emotional eating?
1.
2.
3.


Examples:

Alternatives to emotional eating

If you’re depressed or lonely, call someone who always makes you feel better, play with your dog or cat, or look at a favorite photo or cherished memento.
If you’re anxious, expend your nervous energy by dancing to your favorite song, squeezing a stress ball, or taking a brisk walk.
If you’re exhausted, treat yourself with a hot cup of tea, take a bath, light some scented candles, or wrap yourself in a warm blanket.
If you’re bored, read a good book, watch a comedy show, explore the outdoors, or turn to an activity you enjoy (woodworking, playing the guitar, shooting hoops, scrapbooking, etc.).




Summary


This has just been an information session to outline what may be helpful to know regarding people that are Emotional Eaters and I have heavily referenced the content.
I mentioned above, (good on you for those that noticed) .... that many Emotional Eaters are not in control of their relationship with food.  
If you would like more information regarding what this means, it is related to what we call "mindful eating" which looks at our relationship with food.
I plan to write a follow up blog on the topic as did not want to have this one too long and complicating if I connected the 2 concepts together at once.
Please send me any questions you would like me to address.


If you have had any experience with Emotional Eating, or would like to see how you go implementing the above suggestions, I would love to hear from you.

Please note:
Emotional eating often affects people with mental health issues, especially depression.
If you think this may be an underlying factor then please seek professional help.

References:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/diet-weight-loss/emotional-eating.htm

https://www.mybodytutor.com/blog/2015/03/the-1-reason-why-people-are-overweight/

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15554/try-these-powerful-tools-to-stop-emotional-eating.html

Painful truths regarding sexual assualt.

I had not planned to write a another blog this month but am so outraged by ignorant, arrogant and chauvinistic comments by a social media "guru" recently that I felt I had to address the topic.


The bulk of this blog will be facts and information, then I will discuss issues involved and provide two examples of real life experiences that I have come across in my 30 plus year career in working as a nurse and counselor.
Please note that my focus is on sexual assault not just physical assault, however there is usually and element of both.




What is sexual assault ?
Sexual assault occurs when a person is forced, coerced or tricked into sexual acts against their will or without their consent, or if a child or young person under 18 is exposed to sexual activities.
Sexual assault is a crime. Sexual assault is not the victim's fault.
Sexual assault can happen to anyone in our community. This includes people who are young or old, male or female, from any cultural background, wealthy or not so wealthy, married or not. Anyone can be a victim of sexual assault.
Most victims of sexual assault know the person who assaulted them, such as a family member or friend or someone from work, school, church or another social group. A person you don't know or have just met can commit sexual assault.
Women and men as victims of sexual assault are treated equally under the law.




Describing sexual assault

The terms used in the community to describe the different forms of sexual assault are different from the legal terms used to prosecute offenders in the courts. This section describes the different terms often used in the community when talking about sexual assault. Go to the section called commonly used legal terms for more details about how the law defines sexual assault offences.

Sexual assault is also known as sexual abuse, or rape.

Commonly used terms which describe sexual assault in the community are:

Rape is a term used in the community which describes the forced penetration of the vagina or anus of any person with any part of the body of another person, or any object, against their will or consent.  It also includes oral sex. In NSW Criminal Law, the term rape is no longer used. It has been replaced by the unisex term, sexual intercourse without consent. Click here for more details about  commonly used legal definitions.

Incest is known in the community as sexual assault by a family member or close relative. Some people in the community see incest as child sexual abuse, however, the legal definition of incest is different.

Indecent assault is unwanted touching of a person's body by another person. For example it can include kissing or inappropriate touching of a person's breasts, bottom or genitals.

Child sexual abuse is any sexual act or threat to a child or young person under the age of 16 that causes them harm or causes them to be frightened or fearful. Children and young people are sexually assaulted when a person uses their age, size, authority or position of trust to force the child into a sexual activity. This can include a range of behaviors such as forcing a child or young person to: look at pornographic magazines or DVDs; watch someone masturbate; be kissed, touched or fondled in a sexual way or to sexually penetrate them.

http://www.victimsservices.justice.nsw.gov.au/sexualassault/Pages/sexual_assault_victims.aspx


How common is sexual assault?
It is difficult to assess how many people have been victims of sexual assault as assaults often are not reported, I will discuss this later.
The latest statistics I could find are from 2015 for Australia but updated below..

13 July 2016

Reports of sexual assault reach six-year high

Reports of sexual assault have reached a six-year high on the back of a three per cent rise since last year, according to figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) today.

William Milne from the ABS said that the Recorded Crime - Victims publication revealed that “there were 21,380 victims of sexual assault recorded by police during 2015.

"This was an increase of three per cent on the previous year, and the highest number of sexual assault reports we’ve seen in six years," said Mr Milne.

“Nationally, over four in five sexual assault victims were female.

"Females aged between 15 and 19 years were seven times more likely to have been a victim of sexual assault compared to the overall population.”
In Australia rape and sexual assault statistics are collected by state.

Please also look at the map of reported sexual assaults around the world on the link below.
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2015/07/17/sexual-assault-how-common-it-Australia


Even as a mental health professional it can be very difficult sometimes to understand why someone has not or will not report sexual assaults.
Hopefully the below information will help you understand this.


Why do many people not report sexual assaults?
The main reason is fear of how they will be treated if they do.














-Some people have reported that the police have not believed them or taken them seriously.
- They may believe that it happened too long ago for them to lodge the assault.
- The first thing most victims want to do is clean themselves, they will scrub and scrub until their skin is raw trying to wash off the memories, smells and of  the touching, groping and molestation. Even if they then decide to report the assault they may have washed away most of the evidence.
- Fear of retaliation, especially for children, the perpetrator may have made threats to the child.


"Damaging myths that women fabricate rape and make accusations to ruin men's lives stops many people from reporting what happened to them. Survivors worry that they won't be believed.
Some victims may not even know that what happened to them was assault. There are so many
people that are not aware of the truth, which is this: If you didn't consent to doing something with someone, and they do that thing anyway, it's assault. Even if you flirted. Even if you were drinking. Even if you were wearing a short skirt.
Even if you said "yes" during a previous encounter, Even if you said "yes" to doing the same thing with someone else.
Feeling humiliated. Not wanting people to know what happened.
There's also a stigma. Some survivors may believe that being assaulted makes them "damaged goods," and are afraid of being judged that was completely not their fault and be seen as "damaged goods".
They do not want to relive the experience and the trauma again.
Knowing that even once someone goes through the process of reporting, re-living what happened, having a rape kit done, and going to court and facing the person who attacked them, it's very uncommon for people accused of assault to actually get charged with the crime."
http://www.self.com/story/why-women-dont-report-sexual-assault


Many victims repress the memories, especially if they were a child and sometimes the memories do not surface until later in life and not always in a direct way.


Some examples from my experiences.
Approximately 3/4 of clients I counsel have been victims of sexual abuse and in the majority have not reported the crimes.
Some have said they had tried to tell someone who had not believed them and in some cases had been punished for fabricating myths, especially when the perpetrator was a family member/relative/close family friend.
Examples of when memories had been suppressed:
Repression of memories -
One female client presented very distressed and anxious and did not know why.
She was engaged to be married, very much in love, yet considering cancelling the wedding.
After several sessions to develop a rapport with her and gain her trust, she recalled and revealed that she had been sexually assaulted as a child and had blocked the memory.
She had "saved her virginity" for her husband and subconsciously was terrified about having a sexual relationship, felt "dirty" and as if she was "used goods" and was betraying her fiancée as technically she no longer was a virgin.


Not being aware of what sexual assault is -
This lady presented as distressed. She was married and was unaware that her husband was committing domestic violence towards her.
(Domestic violence was discussed in an earlier blog)
When asked about their relationship she confided that when she did not feel like having sexual intercourse with him, she would try and run away as he would try and force himself upon her and at times she had cowered on the floor in corners and he had physically dragged her by her hair then sexually assaulted her, These assaults were increasing and becoming more violent.
She believed that as they were married she should do what he wanted regardless of her choices.
I don't know about my readers, but my personal view is that marriage vows do not believe that his behavior is acceptable and constitutes physical and sexual assault.


The majority of people that have been assaulted from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Also known as PTSD.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don't have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning, you may have PTSD.

Getting effective treatment after PTSD symptoms develop can be critical to reduce symptoms and improve function.
For more information regarding PTSD:
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ptsd


Summary
If you have been, or know of someone that has sadly been a victim of sexual assault, please seek help.
Even if you do not decide to report it, counseling is available.
If you are assaulted, please go straight to a hospital.
They will want to perform a rape kit which is distressing but you will be supported through this.
Most hospitals have specialized counselors on call for such situations.
You will not be forced to lodge a complaint but the samples will be kept in case you change your mind at a later date.
Some people will tell you that you should report the assault so that if caught the perpetrator may not assault anyone else but this is your choice, only YOU know what you can cope with.
Others that have not been in your situation have absolutely NO RIGHT to judge you.


Statute of limitations
How long after a sexual assault can it be reported.
This varies whether regarding the victim is a child or adult, what country it occurred in and in some countries this can vary from state to state.
Your counselor can advise you of this.


Children
Health Professionals in Australia are mandated to report any even suspicions of child abuse.


Helpful contacts for victims of sexual assault in Australia


http://www.dvconnect.org/sexual-assault-helpline-2/
https://www.1800respect.org.au/
http://au.reachout.com/sexual-assault-support
https://www.bravehearts.org.au/?gclid=CLGBhZyY9tACFVEIvAodsbMACA
http://www.childwise.org.au/page/8/child-wise-national-child-abuse-prevention-help-line


All feedback and comments welcomed.

When Christmas is difficult to celebrate.

 

Christmas.

 

Christmas is usually a time to celebrate, overindulge and spend time with loved ones.
The real origin of Christmas was for Christians to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ.

 

Sadly these days the 25th of December has become more about retail outlets making money and the focus has become a money making venture for many that often are unable to afford it.

 

In this blog I am not judging people and their religious beliefs or lack thereof , or telling you how to celebrate but would like to help people reevaluate what Christmas means and how it affects people and what we can do about it to make a difference.
Many of these things can also apply to you, and/or be useful for you.

 

For those of you reading this, you have been blessed with internet access and the knowledge of how to use it to learn, interact and numerous other things.
Some people do not even have the money for a smart phone or computer, both of which many of us take for granted.

 

How many of your kids would be satisfied with a gift of leggo, dolls, a real book, (not an e book) board game or hoola hoop for Christmas?
I am sure a lot of you would say 'are you kidding?, they want a new ipod or laptop or some other expensive item you may not even be able to afford. On the day would your kids thank you, or be comparing what was under the tree to others... "this is not fair, "John" got the latest this or that and all I get is a lousy "book".
Will you spend the New Year wondering how you will pay their gifts off?

 

Many of us assume that because we are well off, have lots of friends and family to celebrate Christmas that others also do.... this is so untrue.

 

For many, Christmas is a time for loneliness, suffering, pain and even depression.
People of a low socioeconomic status, people who have suffered losses throughout the year, people with illnesses, both mental and physical, those who have had family conflict and many other reasons are often alone and have no one to share this special day with, will not receive a gift to put under their tree, if they even can afford a tree and their Christmas dinner may be toast or in some really sad cases, people have literally had to eat pet food to survive.
There is also a term called "The empty chair" when someone has lost a family member for whatever reason, that usually sat there".
This reinforces their loss in a physical way as well as emotional.


One of Elvis Presleys' most well known songs is about a Blue Christmas although it was written by Billy Hayes / Jay Johnson.

It refers to having a sad Christmas, perhaps because you are away from family or alone, or even filled with thoughts of a happier time that brings tears to you eyes.

Blue is a symbolic color for the emotion sad.

"I’ll have a blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue thinking about you
Decorations of red
On a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same
If you’re not here with meAnd when those blue snow flakes start falling
And when those blue memories start falling
You’ll be doing all right with your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas
Decorations of red
On a green Christmas tree
Oh, won’t be the same
If you’re not here with me
I’ll have a blue Christmas, that’s certain
And when that blue heartache starts hurting
You’ll be doing all right
With your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KK6sMo8NBY

 

This may hit home to many, some of you will say that I am over exaggerating, some will just not want to know and will read no further but hopefully many of you WILL care and would like to make even a small difference.

 

HOW YOU CAN HELP
1. CARE!
2. Open your eyes to others not in a happy situation and acknowledge this.
3. Spend time with these people
4. Invite them to events but also be aware that some may not want to attend due to social anxiety or because they will feel left out or that you are just inviting them to be polite. Do not push them and make sure if you do invite them that they feel you really do care and want them to attend.
5. Make time to even pop in to visit them for a cup of coffee or invite them over.
6. Allow them to talk about their situation.
7. If you have any concerns about their safety, encourage them to seek help.
8. Take them a card or a small gift, for example, if you are making cookies or rum balls for your family, make some extra, wrap them in cellophane and tie a pretty ribbon around them, a pot plant with  ribbon tied around it or even a bunch of herbs tied with a ribbon can be lovely gifts.
If you have any talents like drawing, make them a picture, if you make jewelry, make them something pretty. The list of easy yet affordable and meaningful ideas is endless.
Some suggestions:
http://www.iheartnaptime.net/handmade-christmas-gifts/
9. Offer to take them to Church or to Christmas carols
10. If you have left over food from your Christmas dinner, share this with them.

 

PLEASE ENSURE THAT IF YOU DO ANY OF THE ABOVE THAT YOU SHOW THEM YOU CARE AND THAT YOU ARE NOT JUST TREATING THEM LIKE A CHARITY CASE!

 

HOW TO DEAL WITH A LONELY CHRISTMAS YOURSELF
Some of you may chose to be alone, that is fine, do not feel that you "must" or "should" do something, if you are not comfortable or feel anxious about the thought.

1. Exercise regularly. Blood pumping can help clear your mind.
2. Eat right. Chocaholics beware. Overindulgence can mean temporary highs followed by disappointing flab.
3. Lights on! Enjoy sunlight, outdoors if possible. Brighten up your home and workplace. Light therapy sometimes helps SAD.
4. Budget your gift spending and stick with your budget. Prevent January bill shock.
5. Talk about your feelings.  Keeping them bottled up can mean anxiety, ulcers, sour disposition, and/or explosion. Need a trusted, listening friend? Try a local church.
6. Give to others. Volunteer. A medical professor Stephen Post, PhD, is convinced that giving is essential for optimum physical and mental health in our fragmented society. 
7. He says some physicians give volunteerism “prescriptions” to their Medicare patients.
8. Seek counsel. Some people can be embarrassed to obtain professional counsel. There is no shame, it is recommended  We all can use good advice navigating life’s storms.
9. Develop spiritual roots if you are a Christian.
10. Reach out to old friends and family
11. Give gifts to people around you, even hide some in their mailbox or leave outside their door.
12. Focus your thoughts on what you have, instead of what you don’t have.
13. Spend time with people, especially positive ones who lift your spirits. Perhaps you’ll be grateful for their cheer.
14. Make Christmas Day YOUR day, see link for some ideas:

https://lonerwolf.com/51-things-christmas-alone/




To those of my readers who made it all the way through this blog, thank you and also thank you for your support since I commenced blogging this year.
I wish you a safe and blessed Christmas season and would appreciate any feedback or experiences of your own or suggestions.
Also please share this with anyone you think may benefit.


If you are, or someone you know is at risk, please encourage them to see their GP, talk to someone they trust and/or to contact a service below or similar.

 

REFERENCES

 

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-to-deal-with-loneliness-during-holiday-season.html

 

https://powertochange.com/discover/lonely-christmas/

 

For extra support in Australia
https://salvos.org.au/christmas/need-help-this-christmas/feeling-lonely-need-to-chat/


Lifeline 131114
Beyond Blue 1300224636

 

 

 

 

 

The "counselling couch"

Hi everyone,
Hope you are all well.


Apologies for not writing a blog sooner but I hope that you will find this one interesting and informative.




The "counseling couch".
This blog is to explain to you what happens usually if you decide to attend a counseling session in person.




Firstly, if you can, please do your research, sadly not everyone that calls themselves a counselor is a good one, you may also have to meet several to find someone you feel comfortable with and can develop a rapport with, trust them and feel able to open yourself up to them safely.
Counselors need to know a lot about you to help treat you in the best way.
Often you will be asked about things that you may not want to disclose or that upset you.
Examples are abuse of any type, how much substances you use if you use them and questions about harming yourself or others and/or crimes you may have committed.


Everything that you disclose to a counselor is confidential unless it concerns the safety of yourself and/or others.


If you feel distressed about a topic, it is okay to tell your counselor that you need some time out, go outside briefly, have a cigarette if you are a smoker (only tobacco please), have a glass of water but do go back in as there is nothing worse than leaving a session upset.




Most counselors no longer use couches, in fact I only know of one that does, they like to be able to see your face, look you in the eyes, encourage you to feel on equal terms with them and most will also be assessing your body language.
Often we say more with what our bodies, posture and hand movements, eye contact or lack thereof do than words.




Be prepared for a lot of questions.
It is not because we are being nosy, but to help us understand your situation, what you are going through and what is currently having an impact on your life, often it can be things or events from your past that you may not even realise.


If you make the brave decision to see a counselor if you have issues that you feel you need help with, it can be quite scary and cause you some anxiety beforehand.
That is normal, so please do not let this stop you from attending your appointment.




You will probably need your Medicare card and details of any possibly relative information.
Public services will not charge you but private ones will so it is important to ask the rates and any discounts you are entitled to through Medicare, private health insurance or in QLD, if your doctor gives you a mental health care plan you will receive discounts.
Most private counselors require a referral from your doctor.
It is a good idea to write any questions you have down and also a list of your past and present medications.




The assessment:
Depending on where you are seen and the therapist, the questions you may be asked can vary but I will give you examples of what my service requires.
Obviously you will initially be asked about your personal details, who you live with, how you receive income and what supports you have.
The counselor will then enquire as to why you have chosen counseling, what you think you need help with and any goals you may have.
Other questions will relate to your mental health, past and present, physical health, family history of any illnesses and ask you about your family, schooling, work history and what you currently do.
What hobbies you enjoy, or used to and how you spend your time.
They will need to know if you are on any medications or have been in the past and if you have any allergies.
You will be asked about substance use, you will not be judged and this information will not be given to the police.
They will ask about past experiences, have you been treated for mental health issues before, any significant events, any traumas and if you have been abused either as a child or as an adult?
Please be honest about this as it may have play a significant part in your treatment and counseling needs.
You will likely be asked about your sleep patterns.




The most important part of an assessment is your current mental health status.
For example, your mood, your level of anxiety, your current thoughts, if you are experiencing or have experienced hallucinations (http://www.webmd.com/brain/what-are-hallucinations#1) or delusions
(http://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/guide/delusional-disorder) and if you have harmed yourself before or have any thoughts of harming yourself.
They will also ask if you have harmed others or feel like harming anyone.




After the main part of the assessment they will use this information to decide what you are suffering from and this is called a diagnosis.
Don't be scared by this as it is usually a guide to help the therapist work out what you need help with and what the options are.


You will likely be asked what you would like to work on and your goals, then prioritise these goals according to which ones you would like to address first.


You may also be asked to see your doctor for a physical check up and blood tests, as some illnesses can be caused by medical problems.




Your therapist will then discuss with you what your options are for treatment.
Please, if you do not understand anything, ask them to clarify it and maybe write it down for you.
If you do not agree with their suggestions you have the right to tell them.




There are different types of therapies but the most common is called Cognitive behaviour Therapy.
(http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/cognitive-behaviour-therapy-cbt) however there are other types of therapies and I personally use sometimes a combination of a couple, depending on the client, the diagnosis and their needs.
Other types of therapy. (http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types)




Some therapists will give you "homework" to do.
This may be handouts to read, goal setting lists, meditations recommended, exercises to try, there are a multitude of things.
It is important that you try and do these as a large part of successful therapy is your active involvement.
The therapist can guide you but cannot "make" you better without your input and even if you are prescribed medication, it is recommended that you also engage in therapy.
Medication can help treat the symptoms but usually not the issues involved or the cause.




At the end of the session which is usually about an hour, your therapist will summarise what you have discussed and the plan you will work towards.
Ensure you understand this and are happy with it.
They will then schedule you for another session.
Sometimes only a few sessions are required, in other cases you may need support for longer.




After your appointment you should feel better and happy that although you may have some work to do you now have someone that understands you and who will support you and guide you.


You may feel tired and drained, this is normal so please organise a period of rest afterwards and
congratulate yourself!
You have started taking control of your future and working towards a happier and more satisfying quality of life.

6 words that make my heart sink...

"But he didn't actually hit me"


I could not count the number of times I have heard these words from clients and even friends.


Domestic Violence!
In this blog I will be focusing on Emotional Domestic Violence as it seems to be the least obvious and the least understood by victims in my experience.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
It is widely recognized that women experience domestic violence at far greater rates than men do, and women and children often live in fear as a result of the abuse that is used by men to maintain control over their partners.
Having said this, I have counselled quite a few men who have been victims but many are too embarrassed and ashamed to seek help as they perceive themselves as being weak.
Sadly, I think that it is likely that many men do not seek help because of their fear of society and how they will be perceived.




Who are the victims of Domestic Violence?




ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM!
Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavioral problems.


Many people imagine that they would know how to tell when someone was being abused....that is so wrong.
I have known people that were attractive, educated, intelligent and the last people that you would think would be in an abusive situation.




So what are the types of domestic violence?


Emotional abuse
Which is something I am very passionate about, especially when I hear those 6 words...'But he hasn't actually hit me".
Often clients are referred to mental health workers for other things and it is not until you do an in depth interview that you realize that they are in an abusive relationship and even then some are too embarrassed or ashamed to tell you.
You have to work up a good rapport with the client before they will often reveal this and will usually play it down as above saying "But he hasn't/didn't actually hit me".
Many concerning relationships involve aspects of emotional abuse. The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at a person’s feelings of self-worth and independence. In an emotionally abusive relationship, a person may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without their partner they will have nothing.

Emotional abuse can feel equally as destructive and damaging as physical abuse and can do a terrible amount of damage to a person’s mental health. It's common for physically abusive relationships to also include aspects of emotional abuse as this is how power and control is maintained within the relationship. It's important to seek help during this time but it can be hard to know where to find the right support.
Other types of emotional abuse can include:

Verbal - yelling, insulting or swearing at someone
Rejection - pretending not to notice someone’s presence, conversation or value
Put downs - name calling, public embarrassment, calling someone stupid, blaming them for everything
Being afraid - causing someone to feel afraid, intimidated or threatened
Isolation - limiting freedom of movement, stopping someone from contacting other people (like friends or family)
Money - controlling someone’s money, withholding money, preventing someone from working, stealing or taking money
Bullying- purposely and repeatedly saying or doing hurtful things to someone.

The impact of emotional abuse

Though physical violence is often seen as being more serious than emotional abuse, this is not the case. The scars of emotional abuse are real and long lasting. Emotional abuse can leave a person feeling depressed, anxious and even suicidal, as well as having a negative impact on self-esteem and confidence.


Psychological Abuse:
Verbal Abuse
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse Forcing you to have sex is a criminal offence, even if you are married
Social Abuse
Reproductive control
Financial Abuse
Property Damage
Stalking
Technological abuse


(For more detailed explanations of the types of abuse listed above, visit
http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/violence_and_abuse/definition_of_domestic_violence.htm




So why do people stay in these relationships?


For many, there are obvious reasons, fear, no money, no support, they have been cut off from family and friends, isolation, scared of being alone and more but the one that is very hard for us to understand is called the "The Honeymoon Phase/cycle"




What is the "Honeymoon cycle"
A summary of this cycle is that there are 3 stages:

TENSION BUILDING 

Tension starts and steadily builds

Abuser starts to get angry

Communication breaks down

Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser

Tension becomes too much

Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move

INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

Any type of abuse occurs

Physical

Sexual

Emotional

Or other forms of abuse.

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows

Abuser may promise it will never happen again

Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred

Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again.

Abuses slow or stop

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened

Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met

Abuser may give gifts to victim

Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change

One lady I spoke to when she had finally got out of her violent relationship, told me that as time went on.. she deliberately would try to make her partner angry so that they could then get to the Honeymoon Phase again faster.....

For more information visit:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html




Where to get help in Australia


(In other countries, please check your local phone book, Google help, ask a doctor, minister or trusted person for help)


Call 000 if you, a child or another person is in immediate danger.


Please be aware, if you to choose to stay with an abusive partner and try and be more assertive, they will feel threatened and feeling they are losing control over you and may become even more aggressive, so please ensure you have extra support and a safety plan.


Dealing with Domestic Violence involves a counsellor that is skilled in this area.
You will find many resources and services online for your area, ask your GP, ask your minister as they may be able to direct you to help and be an extra support for you.


Some resources in Australia:


https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/family-and-domestic-violence
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services
http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/pages/domestic-and-family-violence-support-services.php
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/help-advice




There is also counseling and support available for males that do want to change their behavior, some links
http://mrs.org.au/
http://www.dvconnect.org/mensline/




Information and resources for men that are victims of Domestic Violence
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149
http://www.oneinthree.com.au/malevictims
http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm






SOURCES


http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/
http://au.reachout.com/what-is-emotional-abuse
http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/violence_and_abuse/definition_of_domestic_violence.htm
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/09/the-routine-makes-it-easier-to-stay-in-abusive-relationships/