6 words that make my heart sink...

"But he didn't actually hit me"


I could not count the number of times I have heard these words from clients and even friends.


Domestic Violence!
In this blog I will be focusing on Emotional Domestic Violence as it seems to be the least obvious and the least understood by victims in my experience.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
It is widely recognized that women experience domestic violence at far greater rates than men do, and women and children often live in fear as a result of the abuse that is used by men to maintain control over their partners.
Having said this, I have counselled quite a few men who have been victims but many are too embarrassed and ashamed to seek help as they perceive themselves as being weak.
Sadly, I think that it is likely that many men do not seek help because of their fear of society and how they will be perceived.




Who are the victims of Domestic Violence?




ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM!
Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavioral problems.


Many people imagine that they would know how to tell when someone was being abused....that is so wrong.
I have known people that were attractive, educated, intelligent and the last people that you would think would be in an abusive situation.




So what are the types of domestic violence?


Emotional abuse
Which is something I am very passionate about, especially when I hear those 6 words...'But he hasn't actually hit me".
Often clients are referred to mental health workers for other things and it is not until you do an in depth interview that you realize that they are in an abusive relationship and even then some are too embarrassed or ashamed to tell you.
You have to work up a good rapport with the client before they will often reveal this and will usually play it down as above saying "But he hasn't/didn't actually hit me".
Many concerning relationships involve aspects of emotional abuse. The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at a person’s feelings of self-worth and independence. In an emotionally abusive relationship, a person may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without their partner they will have nothing.

Emotional abuse can feel equally as destructive and damaging as physical abuse and can do a terrible amount of damage to a person’s mental health. It's common for physically abusive relationships to also include aspects of emotional abuse as this is how power and control is maintained within the relationship. It's important to seek help during this time but it can be hard to know where to find the right support.
Other types of emotional abuse can include:

Verbal - yelling, insulting or swearing at someone
Rejection - pretending not to notice someone’s presence, conversation or value
Put downs - name calling, public embarrassment, calling someone stupid, blaming them for everything
Being afraid - causing someone to feel afraid, intimidated or threatened
Isolation - limiting freedom of movement, stopping someone from contacting other people (like friends or family)
Money - controlling someone’s money, withholding money, preventing someone from working, stealing or taking money
Bullying- purposely and repeatedly saying or doing hurtful things to someone.

The impact of emotional abuse

Though physical violence is often seen as being more serious than emotional abuse, this is not the case. The scars of emotional abuse are real and long lasting. Emotional abuse can leave a person feeling depressed, anxious and even suicidal, as well as having a negative impact on self-esteem and confidence.


Psychological Abuse:
Verbal Abuse
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse Forcing you to have sex is a criminal offence, even if you are married
Social Abuse
Reproductive control
Financial Abuse
Property Damage
Stalking
Technological abuse


(For more detailed explanations of the types of abuse listed above, visit
http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/violence_and_abuse/definition_of_domestic_violence.htm




So why do people stay in these relationships?


For many, there are obvious reasons, fear, no money, no support, they have been cut off from family and friends, isolation, scared of being alone and more but the one that is very hard for us to understand is called the "The Honeymoon Phase/cycle"




What is the "Honeymoon cycle"
A summary of this cycle is that there are 3 stages:

TENSION BUILDING 

Tension starts and steadily builds

Abuser starts to get angry

Communication breaks down

Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser

Tension becomes too much

Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move

INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

Any type of abuse occurs

Physical

Sexual

Emotional

Or other forms of abuse.

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows

Abuser may promise it will never happen again

Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred

Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again.

Abuses slow or stop

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened

Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met

Abuser may give gifts to victim

Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change

One lady I spoke to when she had finally got out of her violent relationship, told me that as time went on.. she deliberately would try to make her partner angry so that they could then get to the Honeymoon Phase again faster.....

For more information visit:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html




Where to get help in Australia


(In other countries, please check your local phone book, Google help, ask a doctor, minister or trusted person for help)


Call 000 if you, a child or another person is in immediate danger.


Please be aware, if you to choose to stay with an abusive partner and try and be more assertive, they will feel threatened and feeling they are losing control over you and may become even more aggressive, so please ensure you have extra support and a safety plan.


Dealing with Domestic Violence involves a counsellor that is skilled in this area.
You will find many resources and services online for your area, ask your GP, ask your minister as they may be able to direct you to help and be an extra support for you.


Some resources in Australia:


https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/family-and-domestic-violence
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services
http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/pages/domestic-and-family-violence-support-services.php
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/help-advice




There is also counseling and support available for males that do want to change their behavior, some links
http://mrs.org.au/
http://www.dvconnect.org/mensline/




Information and resources for men that are victims of Domestic Violence
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149
http://www.oneinthree.com.au/malevictims
http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm






SOURCES


http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/
http://au.reachout.com/what-is-emotional-abuse
http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/violence_and_abuse/definition_of_domestic_violence.htm
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/09/the-routine-makes-it-easier-to-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

Why do I still hurt so much?

This blog is about grief and loss, some information will be from evidence based research, whilst some will be from my personal beliefs and experiences.

What is Grief?

Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, with sadness stemming from the loss of a loved one or other situations.

Grief is the natural reaction to loss. Grief is both a universal and a personal experience.
Individual experiences of grief vary and are influenced by the nature of the loss.
Some examples of loss include the death of a loved one, the ending of an important relationship, for example a marriage, loss of a friendship, job loss, children leaving home, loss through theft or the loss of health and or independence through disability. Loss of a dream, selling the family home, loss of financial stability, miscarriage, retirement, a loved one becoming seriously ill, that includes pets, loss of safety after a trauma.

My personal experiences regarding grief. Sadly I have had many disagreements with some colleagues that have just rolled their eyes when our team has had a referral from someone that is depressed or not coping from the death of a pet. I personally believe this is total ignorance and that these people are unfeeling and uncaring. I am an avid dog lover in particular, my dogs are part of my family, they sleep inside, go everywhere with me, show total devotion and unconditional love. Sadly the same cannot be said about many humans. Year ago I lost one of my dogs with only a week's warning that she was so sick and I could not get over it. I could not stop crying, started drinking a lot of alcohol and as I assign all my dogs with their own song, (hers had been "Angels" by Robbie Williams,) kept listening to it over and over making me even sadder. My then husband eventually told me that I needed grief counseling as time went on and I still just could not bear the pain. I knew that in theory but it was hard to admit to myself.

There are too many things that can be felt as a loss to go into but things can become even more complicated when several losses occur around the same time.
The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief.
However, even subtle losses can lead to grief.


Signs of grief.


Shock and disbelief
Sadness
Numbness
Guilt
Anger
Fear
Removed from daily life
Struggle to carry on with their life
Physical symptoms :
We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

Everyone grieves differently.

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.
If you do not start feeling better and possibly become depressed then it is important to seek counseling.


The stages of grieving.


In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.”
These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The five stages of grief .

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”


PLEASE NOTE :
NOT EVERYONE GOES TROUGH THESE STAGES AND IF THEY DO, THEY CAN BE IN ANY ORDER.


Things to look out for that may indicate that you are depressed.

Intense, pervasive sense of guilt Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with death and dying Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness Inability to function at work, home, and/or school Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there

Slow speech and body movements
Insomnia
Changes in appetite
Feel like life isn’t worth living
Wish you had died with your loved one
Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

Finding support after a loss.

Turn to friends and family members :
Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
Draw comfort from your faith :
If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.
Join a support group :
Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centres.
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor:
If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. Ministers and Pastoral care workers can also benefit people.
Take care of yourself :
The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.
Face and accept your feelings : 
You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way :
Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; make a memorial,
or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
Look after your physical health :
The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally.
Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising.
Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either : 
Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.”
Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” :
Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings.
Be prepared for emotional distress, it’s completely normal.
If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honour the person you loved.

Summary.


As you can see, grief is a very extensive and complicated reaction and each person has an individualized reaction.
This blog is just an introduction to grief and loss so if you can relate to any of the above, or know someone that you are concerned about, then please email me via website for further information and for the support I can offer.
http://www.valkeenalifecoachaustralia.com/


All feedback appreciated.






RESOURCES
http://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm