Painful truths regarding sexual assualt.

I had not planned to write a another blog this month but am so outraged by ignorant, arrogant and chauvinistic comments by a social media "guru" recently that I felt I had to address the topic.


The bulk of this blog will be facts and information, then I will discuss issues involved and provide two examples of real life experiences that I have come across in my 30 plus year career in working as a nurse and counselor.
Please note that my focus is on sexual assault not just physical assault, however there is usually and element of both.




What is sexual assault ?
Sexual assault occurs when a person is forced, coerced or tricked into sexual acts against their will or without their consent, or if a child or young person under 18 is exposed to sexual activities.
Sexual assault is a crime. Sexual assault is not the victim's fault.
Sexual assault can happen to anyone in our community. This includes people who are young or old, male or female, from any cultural background, wealthy or not so wealthy, married or not. Anyone can be a victim of sexual assault.
Most victims of sexual assault know the person who assaulted them, such as a family member or friend or someone from work, school, church or another social group. A person you don't know or have just met can commit sexual assault.
Women and men as victims of sexual assault are treated equally under the law.




Describing sexual assault

The terms used in the community to describe the different forms of sexual assault are different from the legal terms used to prosecute offenders in the courts. This section describes the different terms often used in the community when talking about sexual assault. Go to the section called commonly used legal terms for more details about how the law defines sexual assault offences.

Sexual assault is also known as sexual abuse, or rape.

Commonly used terms which describe sexual assault in the community are:

Rape is a term used in the community which describes the forced penetration of the vagina or anus of any person with any part of the body of another person, or any object, against their will or consent.  It also includes oral sex. In NSW Criminal Law, the term rape is no longer used. It has been replaced by the unisex term, sexual intercourse without consent. Click here for more details about  commonly used legal definitions.

Incest is known in the community as sexual assault by a family member or close relative. Some people in the community see incest as child sexual abuse, however, the legal definition of incest is different.

Indecent assault is unwanted touching of a person's body by another person. For example it can include kissing or inappropriate touching of a person's breasts, bottom or genitals.

Child sexual abuse is any sexual act or threat to a child or young person under the age of 16 that causes them harm or causes them to be frightened or fearful. Children and young people are sexually assaulted when a person uses their age, size, authority or position of trust to force the child into a sexual activity. This can include a range of behaviors such as forcing a child or young person to: look at pornographic magazines or DVDs; watch someone masturbate; be kissed, touched or fondled in a sexual way or to sexually penetrate them.

http://www.victimsservices.justice.nsw.gov.au/sexualassault/Pages/sexual_assault_victims.aspx


How common is sexual assault?
It is difficult to assess how many people have been victims of sexual assault as assaults often are not reported, I will discuss this later.
The latest statistics I could find are from 2015 for Australia but updated below..

13 July 2016

Reports of sexual assault reach six-year high

Reports of sexual assault have reached a six-year high on the back of a three per cent rise since last year, according to figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) today.

William Milne from the ABS said that the Recorded Crime - Victims publication revealed that “there were 21,380 victims of sexual assault recorded by police during 2015.

"This was an increase of three per cent on the previous year, and the highest number of sexual assault reports we’ve seen in six years," said Mr Milne.

“Nationally, over four in five sexual assault victims were female.

"Females aged between 15 and 19 years were seven times more likely to have been a victim of sexual assault compared to the overall population.”
In Australia rape and sexual assault statistics are collected by state.

Please also look at the map of reported sexual assaults around the world on the link below.
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2015/07/17/sexual-assault-how-common-it-Australia


Even as a mental health professional it can be very difficult sometimes to understand why someone has not or will not report sexual assaults.
Hopefully the below information will help you understand this.


Why do many people not report sexual assaults?
The main reason is fear of how they will be treated if they do.














-Some people have reported that the police have not believed them or taken them seriously.
- They may believe that it happened too long ago for them to lodge the assault.
- The first thing most victims want to do is clean themselves, they will scrub and scrub until their skin is raw trying to wash off the memories, smells and of  the touching, groping and molestation. Even if they then decide to report the assault they may have washed away most of the evidence.
- Fear of retaliation, especially for children, the perpetrator may have made threats to the child.


"Damaging myths that women fabricate rape and make accusations to ruin men's lives stops many people from reporting what happened to them. Survivors worry that they won't be believed.
Some victims may not even know that what happened to them was assault. There are so many
people that are not aware of the truth, which is this: If you didn't consent to doing something with someone, and they do that thing anyway, it's assault. Even if you flirted. Even if you were drinking. Even if you were wearing a short skirt.
Even if you said "yes" during a previous encounter, Even if you said "yes" to doing the same thing with someone else.
Feeling humiliated. Not wanting people to know what happened.
There's also a stigma. Some survivors may believe that being assaulted makes them "damaged goods," and are afraid of being judged that was completely not their fault and be seen as "damaged goods".
They do not want to relive the experience and the trauma again.
Knowing that even once someone goes through the process of reporting, re-living what happened, having a rape kit done, and going to court and facing the person who attacked them, it's very uncommon for people accused of assault to actually get charged with the crime."
http://www.self.com/story/why-women-dont-report-sexual-assault


Many victims repress the memories, especially if they were a child and sometimes the memories do not surface until later in life and not always in a direct way.


Some examples from my experiences.
Approximately 3/4 of clients I counsel have been victims of sexual abuse and in the majority have not reported the crimes.
Some have said they had tried to tell someone who had not believed them and in some cases had been punished for fabricating myths, especially when the perpetrator was a family member/relative/close family friend.
Examples of when memories had been suppressed:
Repression of memories -
One female client presented very distressed and anxious and did not know why.
She was engaged to be married, very much in love, yet considering cancelling the wedding.
After several sessions to develop a rapport with her and gain her trust, she recalled and revealed that she had been sexually assaulted as a child and had blocked the memory.
She had "saved her virginity" for her husband and subconsciously was terrified about having a sexual relationship, felt "dirty" and as if she was "used goods" and was betraying her fiancée as technically she no longer was a virgin.


Not being aware of what sexual assault is -
This lady presented as distressed. She was married and was unaware that her husband was committing domestic violence towards her.
(Domestic violence was discussed in an earlier blog)
When asked about their relationship she confided that when she did not feel like having sexual intercourse with him, she would try and run away as he would try and force himself upon her and at times she had cowered on the floor in corners and he had physically dragged her by her hair then sexually assaulted her, These assaults were increasing and becoming more violent.
She believed that as they were married she should do what he wanted regardless of her choices.
I don't know about my readers, but my personal view is that marriage vows do not believe that his behavior is acceptable and constitutes physical and sexual assault.


The majority of people that have been assaulted from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Also known as PTSD.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don't have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning, you may have PTSD.

Getting effective treatment after PTSD symptoms develop can be critical to reduce symptoms and improve function.
For more information regarding PTSD:
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ptsd


Summary
If you have been, or know of someone that has sadly been a victim of sexual assault, please seek help.
Even if you do not decide to report it, counseling is available.
If you are assaulted, please go straight to a hospital.
They will want to perform a rape kit which is distressing but you will be supported through this.
Most hospitals have specialized counselors on call for such situations.
You will not be forced to lodge a complaint but the samples will be kept in case you change your mind at a later date.
Some people will tell you that you should report the assault so that if caught the perpetrator may not assault anyone else but this is your choice, only YOU know what you can cope with.
Others that have not been in your situation have absolutely NO RIGHT to judge you.


Statute of limitations
How long after a sexual assault can it be reported.
This varies whether regarding the victim is a child or adult, what country it occurred in and in some countries this can vary from state to state.
Your counselor can advise you of this.


Children
Health Professionals in Australia are mandated to report any even suspicions of child abuse.


Helpful contacts for victims of sexual assault in Australia


http://www.dvconnect.org/sexual-assault-helpline-2/
https://www.1800respect.org.au/
http://au.reachout.com/sexual-assault-support
https://www.bravehearts.org.au/?gclid=CLGBhZyY9tACFVEIvAodsbMACA
http://www.childwise.org.au/page/8/child-wise-national-child-abuse-prevention-help-line


All feedback and comments welcomed.

When Christmas is difficult to celebrate.

 

Christmas.

 

Christmas is usually a time to celebrate, overindulge and spend time with loved ones.
The real origin of Christmas was for Christians to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ.

 

Sadly these days the 25th of December has become more about retail outlets making money and the focus has become a money making venture for many that often are unable to afford it.

 

In this blog I am not judging people and their religious beliefs or lack thereof , or telling you how to celebrate but would like to help people reevaluate what Christmas means and how it affects people and what we can do about it to make a difference.
Many of these things can also apply to you, and/or be useful for you.

 

For those of you reading this, you have been blessed with internet access and the knowledge of how to use it to learn, interact and numerous other things.
Some people do not even have the money for a smart phone or computer, both of which many of us take for granted.

 

How many of your kids would be satisfied with a gift of leggo, dolls, a real book, (not an e book) board game or hoola hoop for Christmas?
I am sure a lot of you would say 'are you kidding?, they want a new ipod or laptop or some other expensive item you may not even be able to afford. On the day would your kids thank you, or be comparing what was under the tree to others... "this is not fair, "John" got the latest this or that and all I get is a lousy "book".
Will you spend the New Year wondering how you will pay their gifts off?

 

Many of us assume that because we are well off, have lots of friends and family to celebrate Christmas that others also do.... this is so untrue.

 

For many, Christmas is a time for loneliness, suffering, pain and even depression.
People of a low socioeconomic status, people who have suffered losses throughout the year, people with illnesses, both mental and physical, those who have had family conflict and many other reasons are often alone and have no one to share this special day with, will not receive a gift to put under their tree, if they even can afford a tree and their Christmas dinner may be toast or in some really sad cases, people have literally had to eat pet food to survive.
There is also a term called "The empty chair" when someone has lost a family member for whatever reason, that usually sat there".
This reinforces their loss in a physical way as well as emotional.


One of Elvis Presleys' most well known songs is about a Blue Christmas although it was written by Billy Hayes / Jay Johnson.

It refers to having a sad Christmas, perhaps because you are away from family or alone, or even filled with thoughts of a happier time that brings tears to you eyes.

Blue is a symbolic color for the emotion sad.

"I’ll have a blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue thinking about you
Decorations of red
On a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same
If you’re not here with meAnd when those blue snow flakes start falling
And when those blue memories start falling
You’ll be doing all right with your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas
Decorations of red
On a green Christmas tree
Oh, won’t be the same
If you’re not here with me
I’ll have a blue Christmas, that’s certain
And when that blue heartache starts hurting
You’ll be doing all right
With your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KK6sMo8NBY

 

This may hit home to many, some of you will say that I am over exaggerating, some will just not want to know and will read no further but hopefully many of you WILL care and would like to make even a small difference.

 

HOW YOU CAN HELP
1. CARE!
2. Open your eyes to others not in a happy situation and acknowledge this.
3. Spend time with these people
4. Invite them to events but also be aware that some may not want to attend due to social anxiety or because they will feel left out or that you are just inviting them to be polite. Do not push them and make sure if you do invite them that they feel you really do care and want them to attend.
5. Make time to even pop in to visit them for a cup of coffee or invite them over.
6. Allow them to talk about their situation.
7. If you have any concerns about their safety, encourage them to seek help.
8. Take them a card or a small gift, for example, if you are making cookies or rum balls for your family, make some extra, wrap them in cellophane and tie a pretty ribbon around them, a pot plant with  ribbon tied around it or even a bunch of herbs tied with a ribbon can be lovely gifts.
If you have any talents like drawing, make them a picture, if you make jewelry, make them something pretty. The list of easy yet affordable and meaningful ideas is endless.
Some suggestions:
http://www.iheartnaptime.net/handmade-christmas-gifts/
9. Offer to take them to Church or to Christmas carols
10. If you have left over food from your Christmas dinner, share this with them.

 

PLEASE ENSURE THAT IF YOU DO ANY OF THE ABOVE THAT YOU SHOW THEM YOU CARE AND THAT YOU ARE NOT JUST TREATING THEM LIKE A CHARITY CASE!

 

HOW TO DEAL WITH A LONELY CHRISTMAS YOURSELF
Some of you may chose to be alone, that is fine, do not feel that you "must" or "should" do something, if you are not comfortable or feel anxious about the thought.

1. Exercise regularly. Blood pumping can help clear your mind.
2. Eat right. Chocaholics beware. Overindulgence can mean temporary highs followed by disappointing flab.
3. Lights on! Enjoy sunlight, outdoors if possible. Brighten up your home and workplace. Light therapy sometimes helps SAD.
4. Budget your gift spending and stick with your budget. Prevent January bill shock.
5. Talk about your feelings.  Keeping them bottled up can mean anxiety, ulcers, sour disposition, and/or explosion. Need a trusted, listening friend? Try a local church.
6. Give to others. Volunteer. A medical professor Stephen Post, PhD, is convinced that giving is essential for optimum physical and mental health in our fragmented society. 
7. He says some physicians give volunteerism “prescriptions” to their Medicare patients.
8. Seek counsel. Some people can be embarrassed to obtain professional counsel. There is no shame, it is recommended  We all can use good advice navigating life’s storms.
9. Develop spiritual roots if you are a Christian.
10. Reach out to old friends and family
11. Give gifts to people around you, even hide some in their mailbox or leave outside their door.
12. Focus your thoughts on what you have, instead of what you don’t have.
13. Spend time with people, especially positive ones who lift your spirits. Perhaps you’ll be grateful for their cheer.
14. Make Christmas Day YOUR day, see link for some ideas:

https://lonerwolf.com/51-things-christmas-alone/




To those of my readers who made it all the way through this blog, thank you and also thank you for your support since I commenced blogging this year.
I wish you a safe and blessed Christmas season and would appreciate any feedback or experiences of your own or suggestions.
Also please share this with anyone you think may benefit.


If you are, or someone you know is at risk, please encourage them to see their GP, talk to someone they trust and/or to contact a service below or similar.

 

REFERENCES

 

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-to-deal-with-loneliness-during-holiday-season.html

 

https://powertochange.com/discover/lonely-christmas/

 

For extra support in Australia
https://salvos.org.au/christmas/need-help-this-christmas/feeling-lonely-need-to-chat/


Lifeline 131114
Beyond Blue 1300224636

 

 

 

 

 

The "counselling couch"

Hi everyone,
Hope you are all well.


Apologies for not writing a blog sooner but I hope that you will find this one interesting and informative.




The "counseling couch".
This blog is to explain to you what happens usually if you decide to attend a counseling session in person.




Firstly, if you can, please do your research, sadly not everyone that calls themselves a counselor is a good one, you may also have to meet several to find someone you feel comfortable with and can develop a rapport with, trust them and feel able to open yourself up to them safely.
Counselors need to know a lot about you to help treat you in the best way.
Often you will be asked about things that you may not want to disclose or that upset you.
Examples are abuse of any type, how much substances you use if you use them and questions about harming yourself or others and/or crimes you may have committed.


Everything that you disclose to a counselor is confidential unless it concerns the safety of yourself and/or others.


If you feel distressed about a topic, it is okay to tell your counselor that you need some time out, go outside briefly, have a cigarette if you are a smoker (only tobacco please), have a glass of water but do go back in as there is nothing worse than leaving a session upset.




Most counselors no longer use couches, in fact I only know of one that does, they like to be able to see your face, look you in the eyes, encourage you to feel on equal terms with them and most will also be assessing your body language.
Often we say more with what our bodies, posture and hand movements, eye contact or lack thereof do than words.




Be prepared for a lot of questions.
It is not because we are being nosy, but to help us understand your situation, what you are going through and what is currently having an impact on your life, often it can be things or events from your past that you may not even realise.


If you make the brave decision to see a counselor if you have issues that you feel you need help with, it can be quite scary and cause you some anxiety beforehand.
That is normal, so please do not let this stop you from attending your appointment.




You will probably need your Medicare card and details of any possibly relative information.
Public services will not charge you but private ones will so it is important to ask the rates and any discounts you are entitled to through Medicare, private health insurance or in QLD, if your doctor gives you a mental health care plan you will receive discounts.
Most private counselors require a referral from your doctor.
It is a good idea to write any questions you have down and also a list of your past and present medications.




The assessment:
Depending on where you are seen and the therapist, the questions you may be asked can vary but I will give you examples of what my service requires.
Obviously you will initially be asked about your personal details, who you live with, how you receive income and what supports you have.
The counselor will then enquire as to why you have chosen counseling, what you think you need help with and any goals you may have.
Other questions will relate to your mental health, past and present, physical health, family history of any illnesses and ask you about your family, schooling, work history and what you currently do.
What hobbies you enjoy, or used to and how you spend your time.
They will need to know if you are on any medications or have been in the past and if you have any allergies.
You will be asked about substance use, you will not be judged and this information will not be given to the police.
They will ask about past experiences, have you been treated for mental health issues before, any significant events, any traumas and if you have been abused either as a child or as an adult?
Please be honest about this as it may have play a significant part in your treatment and counseling needs.
You will likely be asked about your sleep patterns.




The most important part of an assessment is your current mental health status.
For example, your mood, your level of anxiety, your current thoughts, if you are experiencing or have experienced hallucinations (http://www.webmd.com/brain/what-are-hallucinations#1) or delusions
(http://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/guide/delusional-disorder) and if you have harmed yourself before or have any thoughts of harming yourself.
They will also ask if you have harmed others or feel like harming anyone.




After the main part of the assessment they will use this information to decide what you are suffering from and this is called a diagnosis.
Don't be scared by this as it is usually a guide to help the therapist work out what you need help with and what the options are.


You will likely be asked what you would like to work on and your goals, then prioritise these goals according to which ones you would like to address first.


You may also be asked to see your doctor for a physical check up and blood tests, as some illnesses can be caused by medical problems.




Your therapist will then discuss with you what your options are for treatment.
Please, if you do not understand anything, ask them to clarify it and maybe write it down for you.
If you do not agree with their suggestions you have the right to tell them.




There are different types of therapies but the most common is called Cognitive behaviour Therapy.
(http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/cognitive-behaviour-therapy-cbt) however there are other types of therapies and I personally use sometimes a combination of a couple, depending on the client, the diagnosis and their needs.
Other types of therapy. (http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types)




Some therapists will give you "homework" to do.
This may be handouts to read, goal setting lists, meditations recommended, exercises to try, there are a multitude of things.
It is important that you try and do these as a large part of successful therapy is your active involvement.
The therapist can guide you but cannot "make" you better without your input and even if you are prescribed medication, it is recommended that you also engage in therapy.
Medication can help treat the symptoms but usually not the issues involved or the cause.




At the end of the session which is usually about an hour, your therapist will summarise what you have discussed and the plan you will work towards.
Ensure you understand this and are happy with it.
They will then schedule you for another session.
Sometimes only a few sessions are required, in other cases you may need support for longer.




After your appointment you should feel better and happy that although you may have some work to do you now have someone that understands you and who will support you and guide you.


You may feel tired and drained, this is normal so please organise a period of rest afterwards and
congratulate yourself!
You have started taking control of your future and working towards a happier and more satisfying quality of life.

6 words that make my heart sink...

"But he didn't actually hit me"


I could not count the number of times I have heard these words from clients and even friends.


Domestic Violence!
In this blog I will be focusing on Emotional Domestic Violence as it seems to be the least obvious and the least understood by victims in my experience.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
It is widely recognized that women experience domestic violence at far greater rates than men do, and women and children often live in fear as a result of the abuse that is used by men to maintain control over their partners.
Having said this, I have counselled quite a few men who have been victims but many are too embarrassed and ashamed to seek help as they perceive themselves as being weak.
Sadly, I think that it is likely that many men do not seek help because of their fear of society and how they will be perceived.




Who are the victims of Domestic Violence?




ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM!
Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavioral problems.


Many people imagine that they would know how to tell when someone was being abused....that is so wrong.
I have known people that were attractive, educated, intelligent and the last people that you would think would be in an abusive situation.




So what are the types of domestic violence?


Emotional abuse
Which is something I am very passionate about, especially when I hear those 6 words...'But he hasn't actually hit me".
Often clients are referred to mental health workers for other things and it is not until you do an in depth interview that you realize that they are in an abusive relationship and even then some are too embarrassed or ashamed to tell you.
You have to work up a good rapport with the client before they will often reveal this and will usually play it down as above saying "But he hasn't/didn't actually hit me".
Many concerning relationships involve aspects of emotional abuse. The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at a person’s feelings of self-worth and independence. In an emotionally abusive relationship, a person may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without their partner they will have nothing.

Emotional abuse can feel equally as destructive and damaging as physical abuse and can do a terrible amount of damage to a person’s mental health. It's common for physically abusive relationships to also include aspects of emotional abuse as this is how power and control is maintained within the relationship. It's important to seek help during this time but it can be hard to know where to find the right support.
Other types of emotional abuse can include:

Verbal - yelling, insulting or swearing at someone
Rejection - pretending not to notice someone’s presence, conversation or value
Put downs - name calling, public embarrassment, calling someone stupid, blaming them for everything
Being afraid - causing someone to feel afraid, intimidated or threatened
Isolation - limiting freedom of movement, stopping someone from contacting other people (like friends or family)
Money - controlling someone’s money, withholding money, preventing someone from working, stealing or taking money
Bullying- purposely and repeatedly saying or doing hurtful things to someone.

The impact of emotional abuse

Though physical violence is often seen as being more serious than emotional abuse, this is not the case. The scars of emotional abuse are real and long lasting. Emotional abuse can leave a person feeling depressed, anxious and even suicidal, as well as having a negative impact on self-esteem and confidence.


Psychological Abuse:
Verbal Abuse
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse Forcing you to have sex is a criminal offence, even if you are married
Social Abuse
Reproductive control
Financial Abuse
Property Damage
Stalking
Technological abuse


(For more detailed explanations of the types of abuse listed above, visit
http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/violence_and_abuse/definition_of_domestic_violence.htm




So why do people stay in these relationships?


For many, there are obvious reasons, fear, no money, no support, they have been cut off from family and friends, isolation, scared of being alone and more but the one that is very hard for us to understand is called the "The Honeymoon Phase/cycle"




What is the "Honeymoon cycle"
A summary of this cycle is that there are 3 stages:

TENSION BUILDING 

Tension starts and steadily builds

Abuser starts to get angry

Communication breaks down

Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser

Tension becomes too much

Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move

INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

Any type of abuse occurs

Physical

Sexual

Emotional

Or other forms of abuse.

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows

Abuser may promise it will never happen again

Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred

Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again.

Abuses slow or stop

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened

Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met

Abuser may give gifts to victim

Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change

One lady I spoke to when she had finally got out of her violent relationship, told me that as time went on.. she deliberately would try to make her partner angry so that they could then get to the Honeymoon Phase again faster.....

For more information visit:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html




Where to get help in Australia


(In other countries, please check your local phone book, Google help, ask a doctor, minister or trusted person for help)


Call 000 if you, a child or another person is in immediate danger.


Please be aware, if you to choose to stay with an abusive partner and try and be more assertive, they will feel threatened and feeling they are losing control over you and may become even more aggressive, so please ensure you have extra support and a safety plan.


Dealing with Domestic Violence involves a counsellor that is skilled in this area.
You will find many resources and services online for your area, ask your GP, ask your minister as they may be able to direct you to help and be an extra support for you.


Some resources in Australia:


https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/family-and-domestic-violence
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services
http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/pages/domestic-and-family-violence-support-services.php
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/help-advice




There is also counseling and support available for males that do want to change their behavior, some links
http://mrs.org.au/
http://www.dvconnect.org/mensline/




Information and resources for men that are victims of Domestic Violence
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149
http://www.oneinthree.com.au/malevictims
http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm






SOURCES


http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/
http://au.reachout.com/what-is-emotional-abuse
http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/violence_and_abuse/definition_of_domestic_violence.htm
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/09/the-routine-makes-it-easier-to-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

Why do I still hurt so much?

This blog is about grief and loss, some information will be from evidence based research, whilst some will be from my personal beliefs and experiences.

What is Grief?

Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, with sadness stemming from the loss of a loved one or other situations.

Grief is the natural reaction to loss. Grief is both a universal and a personal experience.
Individual experiences of grief vary and are influenced by the nature of the loss.
Some examples of loss include the death of a loved one, the ending of an important relationship, for example a marriage, loss of a friendship, job loss, children leaving home, loss through theft or the loss of health and or independence through disability. Loss of a dream, selling the family home, loss of financial stability, miscarriage, retirement, a loved one becoming seriously ill, that includes pets, loss of safety after a trauma.

My personal experiences regarding grief. Sadly I have had many disagreements with some colleagues that have just rolled their eyes when our team has had a referral from someone that is depressed or not coping from the death of a pet. I personally believe this is total ignorance and that these people are unfeeling and uncaring. I am an avid dog lover in particular, my dogs are part of my family, they sleep inside, go everywhere with me, show total devotion and unconditional love. Sadly the same cannot be said about many humans. Year ago I lost one of my dogs with only a week's warning that she was so sick and I could not get over it. I could not stop crying, started drinking a lot of alcohol and as I assign all my dogs with their own song, (hers had been "Angels" by Robbie Williams,) kept listening to it over and over making me even sadder. My then husband eventually told me that I needed grief counseling as time went on and I still just could not bear the pain. I knew that in theory but it was hard to admit to myself.

There are too many things that can be felt as a loss to go into but things can become even more complicated when several losses occur around the same time.
The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief.
However, even subtle losses can lead to grief.


Signs of grief.


Shock and disbelief
Sadness
Numbness
Guilt
Anger
Fear
Removed from daily life
Struggle to carry on with their life
Physical symptoms :
We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

Everyone grieves differently.

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.
If you do not start feeling better and possibly become depressed then it is important to seek counseling.


The stages of grieving.


In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.”
These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The five stages of grief .

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”


PLEASE NOTE :
NOT EVERYONE GOES TROUGH THESE STAGES AND IF THEY DO, THEY CAN BE IN ANY ORDER.


Things to look out for that may indicate that you are depressed.

Intense, pervasive sense of guilt Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with death and dying Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness Inability to function at work, home, and/or school Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there

Slow speech and body movements
Insomnia
Changes in appetite
Feel like life isn’t worth living
Wish you had died with your loved one
Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

Finding support after a loss.

Turn to friends and family members :
Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
Draw comfort from your faith :
If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.
Join a support group :
Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centres.
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor:
If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. Ministers and Pastoral care workers can also benefit people.
Take care of yourself :
The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.
Face and accept your feelings : 
You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way :
Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; make a memorial,
or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
Look after your physical health :
The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally.
Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising.
Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either : 
Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.”
Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” :
Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings.
Be prepared for emotional distress, it’s completely normal.
If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honour the person you loved.

Summary.


As you can see, grief is a very extensive and complicated reaction and each person has an individualized reaction.
This blog is just an introduction to grief and loss so if you can relate to any of the above, or know someone that you are concerned about, then please email me via website for further information and for the support I can offer.
http://www.valkeenalifecoachaustralia.com/


All feedback appreciated.






RESOURCES
http://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

Fear of fear.

Fear of fear.... this is the central issue related to Monophobia.

Most of you will have heard of Agoraphobia and Social Phobias but many have not heard of Monophobia.

Monophobia is an acute fear of being alone and having to cope without a specific person, or perhaps any person, in close proximity.

This 'closeness' might mean in the same house or flat or even in the same room.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autophobia


Monophobia is characterized by extreme insecurity, anxiety and depression when the individual suffering has to be alone, even for short duration. As a result, s/he may refuse to sleep, eat or even go to the bathroom alone. People suffering from Monophobia are often unable to do many simple tasks that most can do easily.

The fear of being alone also leads to difficult relationships as others do not understand what they are going through.

Monophobia is often seen as part of the Agoraphobic cluster. According to research, there are no particular personality differences between Agoraphobics and members of the general population. 'Fear of fear' (fear of a panic attack) seems to be a component of the Agoraphobia (and a major part of Monophobia), but there are many other factors that lead to the avoidance central to the disorder and not all Agoraphobics experience panic attacks.

People with Agoraphobia typically suffer from a 'cluster' of phobias as mentioned and Monophobia may be one.

Agoraphobia tends to reduce self-confidence and the belief that activities can be carried out alone.

It can be a short step from here to a belief that being alone at all is not safe.

A person suffering from Panic Disorder might also believe that he or she will die or collapse or do something terrible when panic strikes and this too might make having a trustworthy person present seem as if it is essential, so leading to Monophobia.

It can also be further complicated by distressing health experiences, eg epilepsy, past falls, stroke, heart attacks.



CAUSES OF MONOPHOBIA

The fear of being alone can occur due to various reasons. As with most types of phobias, the origins of Monophobia can often be traced to the individual’s childhood wherein one might have had a frightening experience. Long term stress, anxiety, bad relationships, poor housing and other socio-economic factors can also lead to Monophobia.

 




It has now been established that most anxieties and phobias occur in people who have less well-developed strategies for coping with difficult situations in life. Children raised by anxious relatives/parents are also more likely to suffer from the common kinds of phobias. They inherit the anxiety which makes them react negatively to stressful situations and events.

A person suffering from the true fear of being along is also likely to lack confidence and belief in the fact that activities can be carried out alone. S/he feels that having a trustworthy person along at all times is essential and failure to do so could lead to death or her/him acting ‘out of control’ when panic-causing situations arise.



SYMPTOMS OF MONOPHOBIA

As with other types of phobias, the fear of being alone also triggers several physical and emotional symptoms:

Physical symptoms:

Feeling unsteady, experiencing lightheadedness or dizziness

Feeling of choking

Rapid heart rate, palpitations or pounding heart

Sweating

Chest pain and discomfort

Nausea or gastrointestinal distress

Trembling or shaking

Numbness or tingling sensations


Other symptoms

Inability to distinguish between reality and unreality

Fear of dying

Fear of losing control

Hot/cold flashes

Fear of fainting


TREATMENT FOR MONOPHOBIA

1. Learn how to do breathing exercises and meditation to reduce your level of anxiety, practice daily.

This visualization exercise can help:

Find some space to relax and focus on extending your out-breath a few times to let your body begin to relax. Then close your eyes and begin to visualize yourself taking an evening to yourself, alone and relaxed. Notice in your mind watching the kinds of things you can do or the way you just are relaxed, comfortable, and contented. The more you do this, the more you train your mind and body to automatically and naturally notice how much calmer you become about being alone sometimes.

2. Try and identify the cause for the fear

As above, growing up with very anxious parents maybe a contributing factor

Someone may have had parents that would punish them by leaving the house for hours at a time.They may have feared they'd been left or good.


Consciously, as an adult, although they knew that they were safe enough when alone, but their unconscious mind still felt the same way as when they had been a powerless child.

Sometimes being alone had been used as a threat or punishment in childhood. Sometimes people equate being by themselves, even for a short while, with 'abandonment'. Some people feel like they "cease to exist" when not around others and believe that they can only define themselves as a human being through association with other people.

Some people have just never learned how to enjoy unstructured time by themselves. Many of us use 'artificial company' to mimic a sense of not being alone: TV, Internet surfing, listening to music. But for the being alone phobic, it's the reassurance of real company they crave.


3. Wean yourself off constant company

Like any overwhelming need, craving constant company can start to feel addictive.

Start overcoming your fear of being alone by taking walks around the block with someone. Halfway around, start walking home alone. Wait 5 minutes for her them and then increase that time to the point where, eventually, you can walk home alone.

Start off small and gently increase your periods of 'independence time'.

Take a fifteen-minute walk and sit in a park, ask people to leave you for ten minutes. Bit by bit, you'll find you can increase the time span and thereby increase your confidence and self-reliance.

4. Overcome fear of being alone through distraction

As well as plenty of breathing exercises and meditation regularly, start off small and gradually increase your tolerance for alone time. What would like to do, is there perhaps something you always wanted to do.

Being alone can enable you to do things you enjoy alone because you can avoid interruptions.

After a while, you will find that you don't always have to "fill your time" when alone.

Being alone is just a physical description of a temporary state, whereas being lonely describes how we might feel. People can feel connected to others when they're alone and at other times feel lonely in the company of other people.

Being alone is more a state of mind than anything else.

5. Work on your social life

As you recover from 'monophobia', make efforts to arrange social events, call friends up, and really enjoy the time you spend with others.

Without all that fear and desperation, you can enjoy yourself confidently.

6. Self talk.

"This is a fear but I will beat it."

"It is okay for me to feel afraid but I am safe."

"I have the skills to beat this and will use my breathing techniques"

"I am a strong person and will win this battle."

7. If you are able to get a pet, they can be very therapeutic.



HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WITH MONOPHOBIA
As with any anxiety disorder, people with Monophobia cannot be talked or bullied out of their problem. The anxiety is not trying to cause harm, it is mistakenly trying to help: telling them, wrongly, that they are in terrible danger when alone. This anxiety does not have a lot of sense to others, it is operating on the intellectual level of a young child rather than an adult and the way to prove to it that being alone is not dangerous is by experiencing the fact, not talking about it, as with a child.

NEVER make fun of them, although you may not understand it, their anxiety is very real to them, not providing support can make them feel more alone and amplify their situation. Offer to support and help them with gradual, graded exposure.

You will need patience, their fear is inbuilt, has usually been there a long time and will require a slow process to recover.


SUMMARY
If the above steps prove totally impossible and the persons perceived anxiety is too high, then one on one therapy and/or medication might be needed. Please see a medical professional.


For information on counseling that I offer, please visit:

http://www.valkeenalifecoachaustralia.com/



References:

http://www.anxietycare.org.uk/docs/fear_of_being_alone.asp

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcome-phobia-of-being-alone/

Chinese Whispers.

Chinese Whispers?
Okay, I hear you take a breath of incredulity.
What is she talking about now?
Please stay with me as those of you who have been following my posts, know that I do get to the point eventually.


This blog is about communication or lack thereof in relationships and society in general.
When I conduct an in service about communication, I always start with a game of Chinese Whispers.
For those not familiar with this game that we played as kids at parties please see the information provided in the link below.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_whispers


The point of doing this exercise as an educational tool is not only that it breaks the ice and is fun, but it is an introduction about how communication can go terribly awry and very easily.


Communication relates not to just verbal communication but also non verbal, written and visual communication.


What is communication?
Communication (from Latin commūnicāre, meaning "to share")
is the act of conveying intended meanings from one entity or group to another through the use of mutually understood signs and semiotic rules.
The basic steps of communication are:

1. the forming of communicative intent
2. message composition
3. message encoding
4. transmission of the encoded message as a sequence of signals using a specific channel or medium
5. reception of signals
6. reconstruction of the original message
7. interpretation and making sense of the reconstructed message.

Effective communication is one of the most important skills we need in life.
Over and over we see conflict arise from communication breakdowns, whether it’s between couples, co-workers, families and even countries.
Although some communication breakdowns are intentional, most of what we say is unconscious and from poor habits we have learned from others.
Communication dynamics seem to come down to relinquishing blame, stopping assumptions and learning new tools for healthy relating: active listening, negotiating with an eye for win-win compromise, compassion for others triggers or weaknesses (as well as for your own), and good old fashioned truth telling.


How can we communicate effectively?
Communicating effectively also involves not just speaking but listening as well also.
The following are what we refer to as active listening tools and following them will help you communicate much more effectively.
Concentrate on what the speaker has to say.


Listen for content and emotion to understand the entire message.
Maintain steady eye contact so speakers know your attention is with them.
Reflect back with verbal feedback to confirm your understanding of the message.
Stay patient when people talk to you.
Keep your tone sincere and nonjudgmental when you listen.
When you give feedback to check understanding, do so in one sentence.
Tune into how the message is being said, not just what the words are.
Acknowledge feelings that are important to the message you’re hearing.
Make your goal in conversations to show understanding of what the speaker truly means.


Another area where a lot of people need help is in regard to how they communicate and the effectiveness of it.
There are 3 types of communication under this heading and they are passive communication, aggressive communication and assertive communication.

Assertive communication means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting ‘wrong’.

Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves.

 

Passive or non-assertive communication tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others and can undermine individual rights and self-confidence. 

Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to be liked by others. 
Such people do not regard themselves as equals because they place greater weight on the rights, wishes and feelings of others. 
Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and results in people doing things they really do not want to do in the hope that they might please others.
This also means that they allow others to take responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them.


Aggressive communication fails to consider the views or feelings of other individuals. Those behaving aggressively will rarely show praise or appreciation of others and an aggressive response tends to put others down.
Aggressive responses encourage the other person to respond in a non-assertive way, either aggressively or passively.


Five ways to communicate assertively.
1. Allow yourself to feel anger.
The biggest obstacle to assertive communication is the belief that anger is bad and expressing it in an assertive way is “unseemly,”
However, anger is a normal and natural emotion.


2. Make clear, assertive requests.
An assertive request is straightforward and doesn’t deprecate the other person,


3. Validate the other person’s feelings.
This means understanding their feelings and where they’re coming from, this doesn’t mean that you agree with them though but that you accept them.


4. Be a good listener.
Being a good listener includes maintaining a respectful and open nonverbal attitude and posture while listening to them
You also maintain eye contact, and manage your own emotions and thoughts, so you can set aside any personal agenda, reactions, defenses, explanations or rescue attempts.


5. Be collaborative.
Being assertive also means working together. It means being constructive and collaborative and looking for ways to achieve a situation where both people are happy.
This often referred to as a win-win outcome.


An example of putting this all into practice.
A very common problem most of us have at some stage in our lives is having to sort out a situation that may be causing distress or conflict.
Addressing these difficult issues can be scary and challenging, however if we do not address them at the time, they may escalate and irreversible situations occur.
To do this we need to put on our 'assertive hat".
I always recommend that you do what is called scripting and write down beforehand what you are going to say.


There are 4 techniques to follow.
The event: tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or problem.
Your feelings: describe how you feel about express your emotions clearly.
Your needs: tell the other person what you need so they don't have to guess.
The consequences: describe the positive outcome if your needs are fulfilled.


I won't mislead you and say that any of the above information is easy to do, but the more you practice communicating effectively and assertively, the easier you will find it.


So next time my readers play Chinese Whispers, the original message will make it back to me without any changes ....








References:
http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness.html#ixzz4HOtv4icP


http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/06/04/5-tips-for-communicating-assertively-without-being-passive-aggressive/

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm

Wikipedia






Any feedback, suggestions, or comments about your own experiences welcomed.

Please visit my website for more information.

http://www.valkeenalifecoachaustralia.com/
 

Sleep, oh beautiful sleep

If you were to ask me what are my favorite things in the world, my answer would be family/friends, animals, chocolate, cricket, music and SLEEP.


For those of you who fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow, you are so lucky.
If this does not apply to you, I am sure it will apply to many people you know, so please feel free to share this with them.


The inability to fall asleep and stay asleep is known as insomnia.
The definition of which is according to guidelines from a physician group: 
Insomnia is difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, even when a person has the chance to do so. People with insomnia can feel dissatisfied with their sleep and usually experience one or more of the following symptoms: fatigue, low energy, difficulty concentrating, mood disturbances, and decreased performance in work or at school.
Insomnia can be acute or chronic.




What are the effects of insomnia?
Suffering from insomnia can lead to day time sleepiness and lethargy and a general feeling of being unwell, both physically and mentally.
Although insomnia can affect people at any age, it is more common in adult females than adult males. The sleeping disorder can undermine school and work performance, as well as being a cause of obesity, anxiety, depression, irritability, concentration problems, memory problems, poor immune system function, and reduced reaction time. Insomnia has also been associated with a higher risk of developing chronic diseases.


What can cause insomnia?
There are many possible cause.
- Disruptions in circadian rhythm: jet lag, job shift changes, high altitudes, noisiness, overheated room or a cold room
- Psychological issues
- Medical conditions
- Medications
- Having media technology in the bedroom, for example: televisions, computers
- other factors like the environment, people snoring, noise, an uncomfortable bed or pillow to name just a few


How can insomnia be treated?
Unfortunately many physicians go straight to medications that are sometimes potentially addictive but there are many other options that you can try first.
Melatonin is one you can discuss with your physician.
Over the counter sleep aids, antihistamines, valerian.
Please check with your physician or pharmacist before taking any of these.
There are many other practices that can help with insomnia and these are often called sleep hygiene.


What can I try that does not involve taking medication?
- try to get into a routine of going to bed and rising at the same time
- remove illuminated clocks from your room
- remove any items like computers from your room
- do not watch TV in your rom, it is for sleeping in
- have a shower before bed in summer, when your body starts to cool down you are more likely to fall sleep
- try and keep your room at a temperature that is comfortable for you
- cut down fluids and caffeine prior to going to bed
- enjoy a cup of warm milk, when milk is heated a substance called tryptophan becomes active and can induce sleep
- If you do not fall asleep within half an hour, don't lie there tossing and turning, get up and do an activity until you feel tired then go back to bed
- Try putting a few drop sof lavender oil on a cotton wool ball and place inside your pillow slip
- Try meditation, there are many good videos available for free on YouTube.
- Listening to soothing medication can help some people
- Make sure you have done some physical exercise but no later than 2 hours before your bed time
- Some people find that "white noise" can help, eg the sound of a fan


If the above do not help and you continue to suffer from insomnia then please see your physician.


I would love to hear how many of you suffer from insomnia, what you have tried, what has or has not worked.
If you decide to try some of the above suggestions, please give us feedback regarding how you found them.

Burnout, the illness of our era.

Burnout is a term that we hear used more and more lately as our lives become busier, more stressful and we have more and more expectations placed on us.
Hence it is no wonder that so many people are suffering and struggling to cope.
Just a few days ago a dear friend shared with me that they felt they were burning out.
The term is usually related to work but I believe (and this is just my belief), that it can also be loosely used to describe any situation in which we find ourselves exhausted and floundering.
This blog will focus on burnout from work but may also be useful in other causes of "burnout."


So what is burnout?


Officially, job burnout is classified as a special type of job stress — a state of physical, emotional or mental exhaustion combined with doubts about your competence and the value of your work.


Signs that you may be experiencing burnout.


Have you become cynical or critical at work?
Do you drag yourself to work and have trouble getting started once you arrive?
Have you become irritable or impatient with co-workers, customers or clients?
Do you lack the energy to be consistently productive?
Do you lack satisfaction from your achievements?
Do you feel disillusioned about your job?
Are you using food, drugs or alcohol to feel better or to simply not feel?
Have your sleep habits or appetite changed?
Feel that every day at work is a bad day.
Feel exhausted much of the time.
Feel no joy or interest in your work, or even feel depressed by it.
Feel overwhelmed by your responsibilities.
Feel hopeless about your life or work.
Find yourself worrying about work even when you are not there.
Experience physical symptoms such as chest pain, shortness of breath, sleeplessness, headaches or heart palpitations. (Make sure that you see your doctor about these!)


If you answered yes to many of these then you may be personally experiencing burnout.
Often we are too busy to even take the time to work out why we feel so stressed and do not even realize what may be happening to us.


What causes job burnout?

Job burnout can result from various factors, including:
Lack of control.
Unclear job expectations. 
Dysfunctional workplace dynamics. .
Mismatch in values.
Poor job fit.
Extremes of activity.
Lack of social support.
Work-life imbalance


What can I do about these?
Take a Vacation or Leave of Absence
Reassess Your Goals and evaluate your options
Practice Positive Thinking
Try and adjust your attitude
Seek support from a counselor, your doctor, your health center or your minister
You may want to discuss your options with a career advisor
I strongly suggest that you see your doctor anyway to rule out any physical causes and/or mental health problems
Look after yourself (which we will discuss below)
Say "No", Politely (which we will also discuss below)




Ways to look after yourself.
Healthy diet and regular exercise
Regular sleep patterns and quality sleep
Manage your stress, use relaxation techniques, breathing exercises and/or meditation on a regular basis
Try and cut down on alcohol, nicotine or other drugs
Talk to someone you trust
Make sure you have quality time with your family and friends
Make sure that you have time out on your own


How to say no.


Learning to say no can be one of the hardest things to do.
We have this misguided perception that we need to say yes to most things.
Often if you can be assertive your situation will change.
I'd like to share with you what I share with my clients.
This is called the Bill of Personal Rights and applies to every one of us.


The Bill of Personal Rights


I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own standards and standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm scared."
I have the right to say "I don't know."
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a non abusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.


You may find it beneficial to write these out on a poster and place it where you can see it every day.


Hopefully the above information will help you if you are experiencing burnout symptoms.
If you would like more support and/or information, please visit my website below to see how I can help you.


Also if you have any suggestions about things that have helped you that may also help others, please feel free to share them, as the above lists are guidelines only.
Often we can learn more from those who have experienced things, than from any text book.


http://www.valkeenalifecoachaustralia.com/

ALCOHOL, DO I HAVE A PROBLEM AND IF I DO, WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?

Alcohol plays a huge role in Western society.
It is consumed in greater and greater amounts and the age of people that drink alcohol is getting younger and younger.
It can cause families to fall apart, fatalities on the roads, health problems, loss of jobs, loss of friends, family alienation, financial difficulties, counteract medication, cause situations that people regret and often can not even recall.
That is just to name a few, the list is endless.


So, what or who is an alcoholic?
Different terms related to alcohol use and classification are related to the amount people drink and the impact on their lives.


Definition - an alcoholic is a person, while alcoholism is the illness.
An alcoholic suffers from alcoholism.
Alcoholism is a long-term (chronic) disease.
Alcoholics are obsessed with alcohol and cannot control how much they consume, even if it is causing serious problems at home, work, and financially.
Alcohol abuse generally refers to people who do not display the characteristics of alcoholism, but still have a problem with it - they are not as dependent on alcohol as an alcoholic is; they have not yet completely lost their control over its consumption.
Moderate alcohol consumption will not generally cause any psychological or physical harm. However, for some individuals, social drinking eventually leads to heavier and heavier alcohol consumption, which does cause serious health and psychological problems.
(Medical news today)


I tend to take a slightly different approach than some counselors when working with people that consume a lot of alcohol and that is to look at the underlying cause.


What makes someone drink in the first place?
Some of the factors are:
- people being brought up in a family where excessive drinking was the norm
- it may be from social pressure
- it may be a way of "self medicating" to deal with depression, anxiety and other illnesses
- it may be to escape from the realities of life
- it may be that they feel they need it to be confident
- it may be to try and treat insomnia


It is important to try and determine why you drink.
If you can identify this you can address the underlying cause with counseling an or medication, depending on the situation.


I won't go into detail about what that involves in this blog but strongly recommend that if you feel you or anyone you know has a drinking problem then please seek help through your GP, a community drug and alcohol center or similar.
Do not try and stop drinking on your own if you are a heavy drinker as the complications and withdrawal can be life threatening.


These days we do not tell people "you must not drink".
That is unrealistic.
We encourage you to drink safely and look at the benefits and disadvantages for yourself to either address your problem or chose to ignore it.


If you are serious about considering reducing your alcohol please draw up a chart.
On one side have the headings:
Benefits of not drinking, disadvantages of not drinking
Then draw a similar table using the heading Benefits of drinking, disadvantages of drinking.
When you have done this, review what you have written.
This will give you an idea regarding how alcohol is affecting you and hopefully motivate you to look at what you plan and or need to do if your drinking is excessive or more than you would like, or exceeds the guidelines recommended:
# these charts can also be used if you have concerns about drug use


Guidelines
Factors such as gender, age, mental health, drug use, and existing medical conditions can change how alcohol affects you.
Responsible drinking is about balancing your enjoyment of alcohol with the potential risks and harm that may arise from drinking - especially if you go beyond low risk drinking levels.

For healthy men and women, drinking no more than two standard drinks on any day reduces your risk of harm from alcohol-related disease or injury over a lifetime.

Drinking no more than four standard drinks on a single occasion reduces the risk of alcohol-related injury arising from that occasion.  (Australian Government department of Health)

Some other tips to reduce how alcohol can affect you and reduce your consumption are:
- Never drink on an empty stomach, try and have some foods high in carbohydrates before you drink
- Eat food whilst drinking, have some nibbles that you can munch on
- Try and have drinks that has a lower percentage of alcohol
- Drink a glass of water between each drink
- If you are a white wine drinker, try and mix half of your drink with soda water or mineral water or even orange juice
- If you drink spirits only pour a half nip instead of a full nip
- Some people fear getting ridiculed by their peers if they don't have alcohol so a handy tip is to drink ginger beer that is non alcoholic with a stubby cooler around it, the feedback I have had from clients who have tried this has been positive
- Drink slowly


Hopefully this information can help you identify if you need to assess your current drinking amounts and how to look at making a decision regarding whether or not you want to change.


For more information regarding how I can help you, please visit my website:
http://www.valkeenalifecoachaustralia.com/