6 words that make my heart sink...

"But he didn't actually hit me"


I could not count the number of times I have heard these words from clients and even friends.


Domestic Violence!
In this blog I will be focusing on Emotional Domestic Violence as it seems to be the least obvious and the least understood by victims in my experience.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
It is widely recognized that women experience domestic violence at far greater rates than men do, and women and children often live in fear as a result of the abuse that is used by men to maintain control over their partners.
Having said this, I have counselled quite a few men who have been victims but many are too embarrassed and ashamed to seek help as they perceive themselves as being weak.
Sadly, I think that it is likely that many men do not seek help because of their fear of society and how they will be perceived.




Who are the victims of Domestic Violence?




ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM!
Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavioral problems.


Many people imagine that they would know how to tell when someone was being abused....that is so wrong.
I have known people that were attractive, educated, intelligent and the last people that you would think would be in an abusive situation.




So what are the types of domestic violence?


Emotional abuse
Which is something I am very passionate about, especially when I hear those 6 words...'But he hasn't actually hit me".
Often clients are referred to mental health workers for other things and it is not until you do an in depth interview that you realize that they are in an abusive relationship and even then some are too embarrassed or ashamed to tell you.
You have to work up a good rapport with the client before they will often reveal this and will usually play it down as above saying "But he hasn't/didn't actually hit me".
Many concerning relationships involve aspects of emotional abuse. The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at a person’s feelings of self-worth and independence. In an emotionally abusive relationship, a person may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without their partner they will have nothing.

Emotional abuse can feel equally as destructive and damaging as physical abuse and can do a terrible amount of damage to a person’s mental health. It's common for physically abusive relationships to also include aspects of emotional abuse as this is how power and control is maintained within the relationship. It's important to seek help during this time but it can be hard to know where to find the right support.
Other types of emotional abuse can include:

Verbal - yelling, insulting or swearing at someone
Rejection - pretending not to notice someone’s presence, conversation or value
Put downs - name calling, public embarrassment, calling someone stupid, blaming them for everything
Being afraid - causing someone to feel afraid, intimidated or threatened
Isolation - limiting freedom of movement, stopping someone from contacting other people (like friends or family)
Money - controlling someone’s money, withholding money, preventing someone from working, stealing or taking money
Bullying- purposely and repeatedly saying or doing hurtful things to someone.

The impact of emotional abuse

Though physical violence is often seen as being more serious than emotional abuse, this is not the case. The scars of emotional abuse are real and long lasting. Emotional abuse can leave a person feeling depressed, anxious and even suicidal, as well as having a negative impact on self-esteem and confidence.


Psychological Abuse:
Verbal Abuse
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse Forcing you to have sex is a criminal offence, even if you are married
Social Abuse
Reproductive control
Financial Abuse
Property Damage
Stalking
Technological abuse


(For more detailed explanations of the types of abuse listed above, visit
http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/violence_and_abuse/definition_of_domestic_violence.htm




So why do people stay in these relationships?


For many, there are obvious reasons, fear, no money, no support, they have been cut off from family and friends, isolation, scared of being alone and more but the one that is very hard for us to understand is called the "The Honeymoon Phase/cycle"




What is the "Honeymoon cycle"
A summary of this cycle is that there are 3 stages:

TENSION BUILDING 

Tension starts and steadily builds

Abuser starts to get angry

Communication breaks down

Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser

Tension becomes too much

Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move

INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

Any type of abuse occurs

Physical

Sexual

Emotional

Or other forms of abuse.

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows

Abuser may promise it will never happen again

Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred

Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again.

Abuses slow or stop

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened

Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met

Abuser may give gifts to victim

Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change

One lady I spoke to when she had finally got out of her violent relationship, told me that as time went on.. she deliberately would try to make her partner angry so that they could then get to the Honeymoon Phase again faster.....

For more information visit:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html




Where to get help in Australia


(In other countries, please check your local phone book, Google help, ask a doctor, minister or trusted person for help)


Call 000 if you, a child or another person is in immediate danger.


Please be aware, if you to choose to stay with an abusive partner and try and be more assertive, they will feel threatened and feeling they are losing control over you and may become even more aggressive, so please ensure you have extra support and a safety plan.


Dealing with Domestic Violence involves a counsellor that is skilled in this area.
You will find many resources and services online for your area, ask your GP, ask your minister as they may be able to direct you to help and be an extra support for you.


Some resources in Australia:


https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/family-and-domestic-violence
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services
http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/pages/domestic-and-family-violence-support-services.php
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/help-advice




There is also counseling and support available for males that do want to change their behavior, some links
http://mrs.org.au/
http://www.dvconnect.org/mensline/




Information and resources for men that are victims of Domestic Violence
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149
http://www.oneinthree.com.au/malevictims
http://www.batteredmen.com/bathelpnatl.htm






SOURCES


http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/
http://au.reachout.com/what-is-emotional-abuse
http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/violence_and_abuse/definition_of_domestic_violence.htm
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/09/the-routine-makes-it-easier-to-stay-in-abusive-relationships/