Why do I still hurt so much?

This blog is about grief and loss, some information will be from evidence based research, whilst some will be from my personal beliefs and experiences.

What is Grief?

Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, with sadness stemming from the loss of a loved one or other situations.

Grief is the natural reaction to loss. Grief is both a universal and a personal experience.
Individual experiences of grief vary and are influenced by the nature of the loss.
Some examples of loss include the death of a loved one, the ending of an important relationship, for example a marriage, loss of a friendship, job loss, children leaving home, loss through theft or the loss of health and or independence through disability. Loss of a dream, selling the family home, loss of financial stability, miscarriage, retirement, a loved one becoming seriously ill, that includes pets, loss of safety after a trauma.

My personal experiences regarding grief. Sadly I have had many disagreements with some colleagues that have just rolled their eyes when our team has had a referral from someone that is depressed or not coping from the death of a pet. I personally believe this is total ignorance and that these people are unfeeling and uncaring. I am an avid dog lover in particular, my dogs are part of my family, they sleep inside, go everywhere with me, show total devotion and unconditional love. Sadly the same cannot be said about many humans. Year ago I lost one of my dogs with only a week's warning that she was so sick and I could not get over it. I could not stop crying, started drinking a lot of alcohol and as I assign all my dogs with their own song, (hers had been "Angels" by Robbie Williams,) kept listening to it over and over making me even sadder. My then husband eventually told me that I needed grief counseling as time went on and I still just could not bear the pain. I knew that in theory but it was hard to admit to myself.

There are too many things that can be felt as a loss to go into but things can become even more complicated when several losses occur around the same time.
The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief.
However, even subtle losses can lead to grief.


Signs of grief.


Shock and disbelief
Sadness
Numbness
Guilt
Anger
Fear
Removed from daily life
Struggle to carry on with their life
Physical symptoms :
We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

Everyone grieves differently.

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.
If you do not start feeling better and possibly become depressed then it is important to seek counseling.


The stages of grieving.


In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.”
These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The five stages of grief .

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”


PLEASE NOTE :
NOT EVERYONE GOES TROUGH THESE STAGES AND IF THEY DO, THEY CAN BE IN ANY ORDER.


Things to look out for that may indicate that you are depressed.

Intense, pervasive sense of guilt Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with death and dying Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness Inability to function at work, home, and/or school Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there

Slow speech and body movements
Insomnia
Changes in appetite
Feel like life isn’t worth living
Wish you had died with your loved one
Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

Finding support after a loss.

Turn to friends and family members :
Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
Draw comfort from your faith :
If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.
Join a support group :
Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centres.
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor:
If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. Ministers and Pastoral care workers can also benefit people.
Take care of yourself :
The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.
Face and accept your feelings : 
You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way :
Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; make a memorial,
or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
Look after your physical health :
The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally.
Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising.
Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either : 
Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.”
Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” :
Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings.
Be prepared for emotional distress, it’s completely normal.
If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honour the person you loved.

Summary.


As you can see, grief is a very extensive and complicated reaction and each person has an individualized reaction.
This blog is just an introduction to grief and loss so if you can relate to any of the above, or know someone that you are concerned about, then please email me via website for further information and for the support I can offer.
http://www.valkeenalifecoachaustralia.com/


All feedback appreciated.






RESOURCES
http://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm